"Not Exactly" and Second Forms of Identification

Last night should have been a normal night. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Go to California... Boy, was I wrong. My normal Sunday flight leaves at 8:45 and lands at 10:20. No it is not supersonic... You have to lose a couple of hours. So in reality, I normally land at 12:20 CDT. So let's take a look at a timeline.

4:41 PM CDT: I get a text message from the Travel Size Better Half saying "Looks like your flight is delayed - So sorry". This prompts me to get on the Internet and verify that in fact my flight now leaves at 9:45. I think great! This will allow me to get some chores done and go have dinner some where not in the airport.

6:30 PM CDT: I take off for The Restaurant. Heading toward the Airport requires me to pass the stadium where "America's Team" plays. Traffic is a little heavier than usual, but I get to The Restaurant in time for kick off and enjoy a frothy beverage.

8:00 PM CDT: I leave for The Restaurant at the beginning of the second quarter and head for The Airport.

8:20 PM CDT: I get to the airport and get through security with plenty of time.

8:21 PM CDT: I receive an email noting that my flight will be delayed until 10:15. Just as I make it through security... how apropos. One good thing about the new terminal is that there are 42" flat screens all over the place so I figure I can catch the rest of the game.

10:15 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be boarding the flight to Tulsa so if you are waiting to board for San Jose, please stand back and allow the passengers for Tulsa to board."

10:30 PM CDT: "America's Team" Wins!

10:40 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you awaiting the flight to San Jose your airplane has just landed and will be at the gate shortly. Once the arriving passengers have deplaned we will cater the plane and begin boarding."

11:00 PM CDT: "Executive Platinum and Platinum Members please begin boarding." This lady standing in front of everybody is speaking in broken English asking all the people behind her if they are first class and then moving aside as they nod and walk by. "Dear Queen Dee Dee Dee, it doesn't matter! MOVE!"

11:10 PM CDT: It strikes me that if we leave now we won't make it into San Jose until after 12:30 PDT. It also occurs to me, "The rental car place may not stay open after 12:00 PDT." I call my Corporate Travel Agent, whom shall be referred to as "Worthless" from this point forward, to see if they can get me the contact number of the rental car company. Of course, they ask to have my itinerary number like I have it memorized. I say no, but my last name is such and such and my email is such and such. "Thank you sir. Let me check. Can you please verify your email?" Is there an echo? So I verify and "Worthless" informs me that I don't have a rental car on my itinerary. "What do we have for her Johnny!" I state that I simply need the phone number. She says that she doesn't have the number for that branch, but she can give me a toll free number. All I want is the friggin' number for the rental car place. Begrudgingly she forks over the number. Ironically, I saw an email in my inbox from earlier in the day titled "How are we doing?" from, you guessed it, the employer of "Worthless".

11:15 PM CDT: "Thank you for calling 'The Rental Car Place' how may I be of assistance"? I inform him that my flight has been delayed getting into SJC and ask if the Rental Car facility stays open past midnight. He informs me that it does not and that if I am not there at midnight or shortly after I will not have a car. I then proceed to ask if there is any way to arrange for someone to stay late (no later than 30 minutes) and he informs me that he can't make someone stay later. I keep waiting for him to say "Who do you think we are Hertz". I tell him thanks for nothing and hang up.

11:17 PM CDT: "Oh my veeery goodness thank you veeery much for calling our cab company". I inform this gentleman that I will need a cab to pick me and my consultant up at SJC and take us to Pleasanton and that we have our corporate negotiated rate. He then informs me that we no longer have a deal with this company and that I need to call another company. I don't know if he just mumbled it on purpose or if he had Chicken Tikka stuck in his teeth, but me trying to get him to tell me the name of the company that took his business gets me no where. It was foolish, but I ask if he happens to have the number. He says that I need to call my Travel Agent! AWESOME! (I swear, he is probably still lauging at me).

11:18 PM CDT: I call The Travel Agent back and get "Worthlesses" clone "Useless". I inform her that my flight is delayed, that I will not be able to pick up my car, and I need the new cab company that we have a negotiated rate with. She asks me for my itinerary number... I am about to start taking hostages. "Can you verify your email"... I would cry if I wasn't so pissed off!

11:19 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be closing the door shortly." Useless: "I am sorry, I don't see a cab company that we have a negotiated rate with." Granted this is the company that books all of our cab arrangements for training classes that, oh by the way, happens to be in the same town as I am staffed!

11:20 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the cabin door has been closed. Please end your phone calls and turn all electronics to their off position". Useless: "Let me see if I can find a cab company..." I say, "Thanks, but my flight is about to take off" "Thank you for calling Corpo..." click

11:25 PM CDT: We take off. I reset my watch to 9:25 PM PDT.

12:35 AM PDT (2:35 AM CDT): "Ladies and Gentlemen, Please remain in your seats with seat belts until the captain turns the seat belt sign off." Bing!

12:55 AM PDT (2:55 AM CDT): My consultant says "Did you check to see if other car companies are open later?" Um... nope.

1:02 AM PDT (3:02 AM CDT): "We're sorry, but the time you are attempting to book for has already passed." I hit the back button on the browser and set the pick up time for 1:15 AM instead of 1:00 AM.

1:35 AM PDT (3:35 AM CDT): The shuttle bus arrives to take us to the rental car facility.

2:15 AM PDT (4:15 AM CDT): We get to the rental car counter (After waiting in line 30 minutes) there was a sign posted the company's new Debit Card Policy. It noted:
"Effective August 1, 2006, if you plan to use a debit card at the time of rental you will need one of the following forms of secondary identification if you are not already pre-approved"

• Current Roundtrip airline ticket, e-ticket, or flight itinerary to or from the location (Makes sense).
• Valid U.S. Passport (I can see that)
• Valid U.S. Military ID Card (Supporting our troops, nice gesture)

All of those seem fine. Here's the kicker. The fourth form of identification deemed acceptable was "A current (within 60 days of today's date) telephone bill, utility bill, or bank statement in your name showing the same address as that shown on your issued drivers license" Here's my thought, if I am this company renting a car to someone and said person has to use one of these forms of identification I might as well go ahead and right this automobile off because:

A. It will be in a chop shop by morning

B. It will be completely wrecked upon return or

C. The combined scent of Pall Mall's, Colt 45, and body odor will be so ingrained that it will no longer be fit to provide to other customers.

My other thought is "Who in the hell carries a telephone bill, utility bill, or bank statement with them." "Gee what do I have here... road map, chapstick, pack of gum, TXU Bill..." Honestly.

In the middle of my entire crappy night, I did find this humorous. It is the little things in life. I swear. It really is!

2:45 AM PDT (4:45 AM CDT): We arrive at the hotel and check in.

3:00 AM PDT (5:00 AM CDT): I realize that I could give my manager in The City a call, because he is already up and headed to the airport to fly to... San Jose. What a long night. I figured it up and realized that I was up for almost 24 hours. A very long day. VERY, VERY LONG!