Drunk In Public

This is a first. I was in an airport on Thursday night last week waiting on my flight (delayed again). I am just sitting there minding my own business when I see this guy reach over like he was going pick up a bag. The only thing is that he kept on reaching and reaching and reaching. It hits me. This guy is falling... Quick thinking! He's having a diabetic episode or a heart attack! So I leap up to help him thinking, "CALL 911, or 411, or 311 if you need parks and recreation" (Ok, I made those last two up). I help him come out of his offensive lineman-esque stance only to have him start to topple AGAIN! I finally escort him over to the chair where I was sitting, casually wondering why the heck isn't someone helping me. I then look back to see someone (who'd later turn out to be an acquaintance, pulling on his belt, more on this jerk in a minute). As I sit him down a lady walks up and says, "I am a doctor, are you ok"? The guy starts to slur his speech a little to which I immediately assume, "Diabetic, Low blood sugar". The doctor examines him for all of 30 seconds before she says, "Had a little fun today have you?"

I swear his response was almost like that scene from the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy where the old drunk that knows Sonny (Sandler) from the bar starts taunting him in the court room from the witness stand. Sonny asks him, "What are you drunk Mr. Herlihy?". The drunk responds, "Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it?"

Only thing is, this guy was not that intelligible. My sympathy goes out the door. QUICK!

This guy is probably late forties, early to mid fifties and he is drunker than a 19 year old on Spring break. It wasn't like he was boisterous, obnoxious, loud and carousing drunk. No! This guy had drunk himself into a catatonic-like stupor that was nothing but pathetic.

The doctor immediately tells him (as if the did any good) and his friend that he better get some food in him or they will not let him on the plane. I move off to the side with one of my consultants to mock from a far. Let's be honest, this is unintentional comedy that can't be measured on a chart. All the jokes are flying from on lookers. "I hope thats not our pilot". "Wow I didn't know Ed Asner was on this flight." "I will end up sitting next to this guy with my luck." There were some pretty good ones. This basically went on for 45 minutes to an hour. In the mean time, his friend gets him a sandwich and bottle of water from a nearby deli only to have him pull the bottle away from his mouth with out up righting it effectively pooring it all over himself.

They finally call our flight to board and I look around to see if they are going to let Amy Winehouse's brother get on our plane. As I am starting to board, I see the doctor walk up to the gate agent and undoubtly tell that the guy is "45 sheets" and shouldn't be allowed on the plane. To which I mention to some of the other witnesses boarding that I don't think he'll be getting on this plane. The doctor just ratted him out (good for her).

I arrive at my seat and get comfortable only to see Keith Richards board the plane. I think I actually said out loud, "They are really going to let that loser get on the plane?". Sure enough. This guy comes along doing his best "Ted 'Sammy Sooser' Kennedy I'm really not drunk" impersonation and plops down next to this poor lady who had the misfortune of having the window seat next to him. I was not close enough to get all the details of this meeting, but my buddy was and he said he felt for this poor lady. I am thinking this guy is going to get sick on the plane and EVERYONE else is going to follow suit.

About this time, I see the doctor from before sitting 3 rows behind him ring her call button. The flight attendant walks up and she undoubtedly tells him that "Arthur On the Rocks" is in no condition to travel. Apparently the gate agent was blind. So he walks up to Cooter Brown to ask him if he is ok. You could tell the Flight Attendant was not ok with it but he walks away. Minutes later, you see the lady sitting next Ernest Hemingway ring the flight attendant call button. This does it! The flight attendant gives the "follow me" motion. Might I also add that you could hear a pin drop at this point as everyone is staring intently at the fiasco unfolding. At this point Richard Burton, gets up and ever so gingerly ambles to the front of the plane. He only pauses for a moment to pray to the porcelain god in the First class head (swear on my life). After a minute or two the flight attendant opens the door and says ,"Come on out". While this is all going on, his "friend" is gathering his things along with the contents Lindsay Lohan brought on the plane and walking to the front. My main issue with this jerk is that he helped this guy get on the plane and then had the gall not to offer to switch seats with this poor lady.

As they get off the plane, I realize I am sitting around some good ol' boys (you gotta know your audience) to which I quip, "I guess that is the definition of Drunk in Public". It got a good laugh.