The Network

It seems there is a television network for everything. There are your local channels that have been around since the late 1800's. When I was a kid I remembered them as 4,5,8, and 11. They were the ONLY channels that you had when you went to your grandma's house. She had the TV with the nobs that changed the channel and you had to sit three feet away from otherwise you'd be up every 30 seconds changing the channel by hand. If the President was on you were SCREWED! You were then relegated to playing with the toys your dad had growing up or watching the obligatory Spanish channel.

Along with those channels we now have the other 5,248,346 other channels. The Do it yourself (yeah right who has a wood lathe in the garage) channel. The who's who in Hollywood (a.k.a. who is sleeping with who and who is the biggest skank/man-whore) channel. The church (a.k.a. lay your hand on the T.V., send me a thousand dollars, and I'll send you a blessing handkerchief) channel. The catholic channel (wouldn't want to mix the catholics and charismatics). The Victim's Network (a.k.a. Lifetime). The Music channel (which hasn't played music in a decade). The Sports channel. The Sports channel 2. The Sports channel 3. The Sports channel 4. Los Deportes. The Ocho. This list doesn't even get into the "Premium" channels that would make a sailor blush after 10 P.M.

There is one channel that is taking the nation (maybe just the Travel Size household (future)) by storm. The subject matter of this channel is something no person can do without. You got it! Food! The Network, as I will call it, has everything you could ever want when it comes to cuisine. They have a show with a skinny lady who makes all fattening food (and no doubt purges after every taping). They have a show with a rather jolly (large) lady who makes southern fare. There is an annoying cajun want-to-be. They even have two gentlemen, who let's just say lead an "Alternative" lifestyle, that show the entire world how to host little gatherings in the easiest manner possible.

The Network is not just about cooking. No! No! No! It is also about food history, food science (which can be pretty interesting) and food competition. That's right! They have competitions where one chef squares off with another creating a delectable delight to be judged by individuals based on presentation, taste, and overall creativity. There are also competitions where chefs assemble unbelievable sculptures out of nothing more than sugar, chocolate, or gelatin. They concoct these ideas based on a theme and use different forms of sucrose to form breathtaking edifices. I am completely serious! Some of these structures can reach 9 feet tall. One would think forming these superb shapes would be a challenge in itself. Not The Network!

The other night The Travel Size Better Half (future), The Travel Size Mom (That's where she got those genes), and I were watching one of the competitions. There were four chefs who had to create a concoction based on a fairytale. Each sculpture had to be completed in 6 hours, at least 5 feet tall (almost taller than the Travel Size One) and COMPLETELY made of (you guessed it) sugar. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! The crux of the competition was to be able to carry these statues over an obstacle course. Honestly, have we really come to this point? Where personal achievement is secondary to the possibility of seeing someone crash and burn in a most public manner? On another note, how did The Sports channel miss this opportunity? They have professional poker on sometimes for entire days and there is not nearly as much athletic ability to play cards as there is to build a sugary statue and carry it up a flight of stairs, over broken glass, with no shoes on, blindfolded, with one hand tied behind your back, while someone is tickling your ear with a goose feather. I have to admit I was amazed by the fact that someone actually sat down and thought this idea up. The more shocking thing is that I couldn't turn my head. All three of us were glued to the television. It was like watching traffic and knowing that a car wreck was about to happen. At one point the Travel Size Mom looks at us and says this is ridiculous. I couldn't agree more. Yet, we continued to watch!

There is one character on The Network that without fail will be a mainstay in our household. She is this cute young lady whom I shall call the Duchess of The Network. The Travel Size One adores her! The Duchess makes 30 minute meals. She also travels all over the world (ok, the lower 48 and parts of Canada) eating in places for $40 a day (Not really sure why this is impressive, but hey you gotta have a hobby). There is rarely a day when I don't find the Travel Size One partially comatose (not sure if this is possible) in front of the tube learning how to make a 30 minute meal (or Traditional Jewish Cuisine. Don't ask). It has brought me good fortune. For Christmas I was able to get The Travel Size Better Half (future) a couple of cook books (by the Duchess) and it was not even construed as a hint (which it was not). I began to realize her affection for The Duchess and realize that it could be a pretty sweet deal for me! Get her something she likes and me some delightful new food that I am enjoying more and more.

I am finding as I get closer to my union with the Travel Size Bride-to-be that I am watching more and more of The Network and less of the Sports Network. It works out pretty well, but it has also shown me that for the days when the games are on, I may have to have a 13 inch with rabbit ears so as not to quench my Travel Size Chef's thirst for food knowledge.