My Travel Size Life

Gesticulate

2008-09-28T09:01:00.002-05:00

Gesticulate: To make or use gestures, esp. in an animated or excited manner with or instead of speech. -- Dictionary.com

So why aren't our arms called Gesticles?

Daily Domestic Dispute

2008-09-17T07:11:00.003-05:00

I know it has been a while, but I have been barely keeping my head above water with my new client. They are the perfect example of a function of dysfunction.

I have to comment on one of my colleagues working on another project that we have at this client. Everyday, and I mean that literally, he gets into an argument with his wife. Now I understand that people argue. Heck even the Travel Size One and I have an occasional spat. That is healthy! The airing of grievances. Work through your differences, but this is different. It is like two kids poking at each other, "Well you did this..." or "You and your mother are driving them crazy that why he's mad" or "That's just one more thing for me to deal with, FINE! FINE!". It reminds me of a pair of adolescent siblings squabbling over who gets to sit at the grown up's table. These are adults who have kids and have been married for quite sometime. It's really not the arguing that bothers me. It is the fact that he has them over the phone in his cube across from me. SOOOO AWKWARD!

I have actually asked my subordinates to step outside and handle personal calls of this nature (Well not arguing like this. This is a whole nother level). Would it be appropriate to do that to someone above me? You'd think he'd know better.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

They just started up for the morning rant... no I am not kidding. BRUTAL!

Hahahaha, You gain weight?

2008-08-08T10:25:00.002-05:00

I am infamous for sitting down in chairs at work and catching my pant pockets on the arm of the chair. I recently did so with a pair of my favorite Brooks Brothers Flat Front Gabardine slacks. I was a little upset to say the least. Luckily for me it only got the seams a little and should be an easy fix. I like to take things of this nature to a little asian lady near where I live as she does and excellent job and has actually fixed a suit where I had some moth damage (not an easy fix).

So I take it in yesterday and she is playing the local classical station at the same level someone would be playing the local classic rock station leaving my ears ringing like Christmas bells. I show her the issue and she looks at me, laughs, and asks "You gain weight?" To which I respond with the actual reason for my visit. I don't think she believed me but it made me realize that I need to lose 10 pounds.

Rack'em,

The Traveler

They Got Stuff in Japanese!

2008-08-06T08:38:00.002-05:00

Well, It has been a while since I last updated all three of you who read, but I am happy to say that my "In town" assignment came through. I am literally 15 minutes from my house and it doesn't require going through airport security to go to work.

I am going over some of the previous documentation that they have on their web portal site and it just hit me. WOW! They have docs that are in Japanese! Granted this is a Japanese company so its not like a bunch of hillbillies with Rosetta Stone and nothing better to do so that makes sense. It just surprised me when I went through and found it. It also makes me think of the King of the Hill (which the Travel Size One and I often get a laugh out of) where Hank and the gang meet Kahn for the first time. Here's how it goes:

HANK: So, are you Chinese or Japanese?
KAHN: I live in California last twenty years, but first come from Laos.
HANK: Huh?
KAHN: Laos. We Laotian.
BILL: The ocean? What ocean?
KAHN: We are Laotian. From Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay? Population 4.7 million.
HANK: So, are you Chinese or Japanese?

Rack'em,
The Traveler

P.S. I sure do love Chinese food. ;)

The beatings will continue...

2008-07-28T07:15:00.002-05:00

...Until morale improves. I saw a kid in the airport wearing a T-shirt with this on the back this morning. I love it! I need one or several!

I GOT ONE!!!!

2008-07-21T09:58:00.003-05:00

On Friday of last week, I was asked to come to a new client (not to our company, but for me) for a Project Management meeting. The beauty of this is that it is in the SAME TOWN AS I LIVE IN!!!! Woo hoo (WAMU?)! So after 4 years with this company, I can finally say that I am going t0 be on a client in the same city I live in. I truly hope everything goes through as it is literally 15 minutes from my house and would require me to be in town for 2 months and possibly beyond.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Quote of the Day...

2008-07-06T08:53:00.007-05:00

So I woke up this morning and asked the Travel Size One if she minded me turning on the T.V. Her response was as long as it is not sports. To which I replied with a vague response promising to turn it to NBC. Little did she know that Wimbledon was on. I am not typically a tennis fan, but it's the men's finals and Federer was playing Nadal. For those of you who don't know Nadal and Federer are known for their tennis prowess, and they are also know for their white head bands. We are watching them warm up and the Travel Size One says, "Why do they look like they are going to fight the Kobra Kai?" Priceless!

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Pity Party of one...

2008-06-26T06:25:00.003-05:00

"Once you become aware that the main business that you are here for is to know God, most of life's problems fall into place of their own accord. The world today is full of sufferers from the wasting disease which Albert Camus focused as absurdism ("life is a bad joke"), and from the complaint which we may call Marie Antoinette's fever, since she found the phrase that describes it ("nothing tastes"). These disorders blight the whole of life: everything becomes at once a problem and a bore, because nothing seems worthwhile. But absurdist tapeworms and Antoinette's fever are ills from which, in nature of the case, Christians are immune, except for occasional spells of derangement when the power of temptation presses their minds out of shape - and these, by God's mercy, do not last."

The quote above is an excerpt from Knowing God, by J.I. Packer.

As you can tell from my previous post, I was pretty disheartened by something the world saw fit to throw my way. With the prayer of a faithful wife and after reading this excerpt this morning, I am officially calling last call for the pity party. I am not saying that I am over the sting, because I don't think that would be realistic. It will not, however, keep me in the doldrums because my focus will not be on the achievements of this world or the curve balls it throws. My focus is to know God. So pity, you ain't gots to go home, but you gots to get the heck up outta here.

Rack'em,

The Traveler

Give me defeat any day...

2008-06-24T15:39:00.004-05:00

I have recently been going through some tough issues work-wise. I won't go into details but it reminded me of this quote.

The Man in the Arena

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." ~Theodore Roosevelt, April 23, 1910

It reminds me that I'd rather be in the middle of fight than sitting on the sidelines pointing out flaws. I think I sleep better at night even if in defeat because I know that I have not become just a sayer but am still a doer.

Oh yeah!!!!

2008-06-18T10:49:00.000-05:00

My Travel Size Bride sent this link to me.

http://movies.msn.com/movies/hitlist/06-17-08_2?GT1=7701

My day INSTANTLY got better!

Rack'em,
The Traveler

And you stay classy THE WORLD!

Guest Blog from My Travel Size Better Half

2008-06-17T08:33:00.001-05:00

Hubby asked me to do a guest blog for him; we decided together that if I posted this story on my blog, it could look pretty mean, but having him post it would take away that aspect and show that he can have a good laugh at himself. This is a true story; I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

Sunday night I needed to stay up as late as possible in an attempt to switch my body back to nights for the next two weeks. Hubby needed to get to bed at a decent hour since he was catching a flight the next morning, so we agreed on a compromise: we would go to bed at the same time, and I would keep the TV volume low so that he could get some sleep. A little after midnight, he rolled back over towards me and started to mumble something. When this happens, it usually involves him asking me to turn the volume down (the Food Network can indeed get pretty rowdy after midnight). This time, however, I was really having trouble understanding him.

I leaned over in an attempt to hear him better, but the only words I could understand were "Giggles and frosting ..." which he kept repeating over and over to himself. Once I realized that he was talking in his sleep, I started to crack up. I tried to be quiet, but the more he repeated his new mantra, the more I laughed.

Apparently one of my cackles stirred him from sleep. He rolled over onto his stomach, popped his head up like a little prairie dog, and whispered, "Shhhhhhh, don't let them know my secret." Then he buried his head under his pillow and rolled away from me.

My laughter was rolling so hard at this point that I couldn't breathe and was in danger of falling off the bed. I was very tempted to wake him up to share in the hilarity but realized he might find the story funnier in the light of day. Apparently I was right because now he actually wants other people to hear about it. Hubby is one of the funniest people I've ever met, and I'm glad to know he will keep me laughing for years to come - even when he's not awake!

Atlantic City???

2008-06-05T16:53:00.003-05:00

I am in the airport in Philadelphia and the gate agent just came over the intercom to inform me that my flight, which was already 40 minutes delayed will be another hour because the pilot on the incoming flight landed in Atlantic City to take on fuel. My thought is that he should have gone to Mapquest, Google Maps, or just bought a globe to realize that Philadelphia and AC aren't that far apart. C'est La Vie.

WASH YOUR HANDS SERIOUSLY...

2008-06-04T08:44:00.003-05:00

If you ever come to my client (which you never will because it is privileged and confidential and let's face it who would fly to BFE for that reason?. But you have to start these stories with a hypothetical), DO NOT SHAKE HANDS WITH THE DUDES!!!

I seriously cannot emphasize this enough. I have been noticing lately and one of my Seniors brought to my attention that we need to avoid shaking hands with a certain Executive at this client. His reasoning and a direct quote, "2 of us were in the Bathroom together and only 1 of us washed our hands afterwards." I confirmed my suspicions that it was not the Senior who skipped a trip to the wash basin. The only comment that comes to mind is GREAT GOOGLEY MOOGLEY! I have also notice a trend that a lot of the men don't wash up after they are done. Seriously, that is just GROSS!!!

Mike's Hard Lemonade? Really?? REALLY???

2008-05-29T07:18:00.003-05:00

So a colleague and I were talking with a Business Analyst that works for our current client and he was complaining about how much it costs to go to a major league baseball game. I actually agree that it is ridiculous to charge what they charge for tickets, parking and concessions. He then goes on to say that it shouldn't cost $250 to take a family of four to a game. Our natural reaction was, "What did you buy?" He then goes through the list, "Tickets and parking and nachos and a foam finger for his daughter and two rounds of Mike's Hard Lemonade at $13 per round and..." Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, WHAT??? This was not a figurative statement. Our shock was apparent. My first question was "Wait, YOU got a Mike's Hard Lemonade?" He then goes on to extol the virtue of the Raspberry flavored. I literally kept looking to the sky waiting for a HUGE can of Old Milwaukee to fall on him with the booming voice pronouncing "Men should act like men.". Needless to say, after we walked away there was a good snicker between us.

So Man Law #235: Even if you like Mike's Hard Lemonade don't EVER order it in public. Especially at a public venue where you have to pay a premium. Come on!

As my colleague and I were walking away, he comments "I guess they must have been out of Smirnoff Ice." I immediately realized that would have been an awesome line after this guy divulged that he not only likes but actually orders Mike's Hard Lemonade in public.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Cold, Cold, Cold...

2008-05-22T13:00:00.002-05:00

This is one of the coldest quotes I have EVER read!

"All right, I'll ask: How come it took three seconds to euthanize Eight Belles, but the WNBA is starting Year 12?" -- Bill Simmons, ESPN Page 2

It also happens to be one of the funniest...

Rack'em,

The Traveler

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Man-Whore Douche Bag and the Slut

2008-05-19T09:27:00.007-05:00

Judging from the title of my entry, you can assume that the Travel Size One and I went to see the latest installment of the Chronicles of Narnia. I, however, had a COMPLETELY different experience than everyone else in the theater. Here is the story C.S. Lewis didn't tell you.

The Travel Size One and I arrived early as any avid movie goers would. Actually we were going to try and make the 1:20, but due to traffic and other unforeseeable events arrived late. So we decided to wait 30 minutes for the next movie and grab prime seats. Neither of us likes to sit in the nose bleed, nor do we like to sit in what I call the "I need a chiropractor the next day" seats up near the front. So we get into the theater and we are the first ones there. Championship! Prime seats! Pick of the litter. Oh how we were wrong! People started to trickle in. People behind us, people in front, people to the left, and people to the right all enter and prepare to partake in a great story. The people to our right and left do the appropriate thing and leave a "buffer" seat in between us and them. Note: this is also proper etiquette for dudes when attending a movie without the fairer sex. Each dude should leave a "buffer" seat in between the other dude and not groups.

The previews are about to start when this lady walks into our row and asks the couple next to me if they can move down. They oblige and that's when the whole experience when to hell in a hand basket. I swear they had to be in their early 20's. The Travel Size One said late teens. Regardless, they should know better. The minute they move next to me they start making out. I am not talking about kissing or cuddling. I am talking petting and rubbing and heavy breathing and sucking on face and fingers. I immediately think, "GET A FRIGGIN' ROOM!" I swear at one point she had her hand near his crotchal region and down his shirt. This was not worst of it. Oh no! They were talkers. Something crucial would happen during one of their "Sessions" and the Slut would say, "What did he say?" To which the The Man-Whore Douche Bag would respond in a loud voice and repeat the previous two sentences making it difficult for me to hear the following two sentences. Another annoying point is that he would make snide remarks through out the movie or laughing during serious moments. Overall, they were both idiots and didn't know the appropriate make out etiquette for movie theaters. Sit in the back or DON'T.

Next week I will review the dwarf and clubfoot circus that will no doubt ensue during our jaunt to see the upcoming Indiana Jones movie.

Overall, Prince Caspian, two thumbs up! I was a little disappointed in that I kept waiting for Prince Caspian to say, "Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die!" and it never happened. Watch it, you'll see what I mean.

Sweep the leg!

2008-05-14T08:01:00.004-05:00

How have I not seen this before? There is a great line in the "The Fight" episode of the Office that slays me everytime I see it. Kevin is watching Michael and Dwight prepare to fight and he says as deadpan as possible "Sweep the leg". The first time I saw it, I rolled and the Travel Size One didn't know what it was from. I said, "Honey, that is from the Karate Kid". Her response was, "Oh my goodness, you know more random stuff than anyone I have ever met". To which I respond, "A-thank you"!

Kobra Kai, Do or Die!,

The Traveler

You can't make this stuff up...

2008-05-13T17:26:00.002-05:00

... so I am posting the link and article. The Travel Size One sent this to me.

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/localnews/stories/051408dnmetitch.f81a31c3.html

Man uses gun for backscratcher, shoots himself
01:43 PM CDT on Tuesday, May 13, 2008
By KIMBERLY DURNAN / The Dallas Morning News kdurnan@dallasnews.com
A Fort Worth man trying to scratch an itch on his back used a revolver and accidentally shot himself.

Jorge Espinal, 44, was drinking beer and playing poker around 3 a.m. Sunday in his home in the 3500 block of Montague Street, when he got up from the table and walked into another room, said Fort Worth police Lt. Kenneth Dean.

“He told officers he had an itch on his back and grabbed the first thing he could get a hold of, which was a revolver,” Lt. Dean said. “The gun went off."

Mr. Espinal went back and told his buddies that he shot himself. “They didn’t believe him until they saw the blood coming down his back,” Lt. Dean said.

Mr. Espinal was taken to an area hospital, where he was treated and released with non-life-threatening injuries.

Things I wonder about

2008-05-13T07:08:00.002-05:00

I was listening to my favorite radio show this morning and they have these two guys (not the hosts) who do all these sound bits or take songs and change the lyrics to make fun of someone or something. They are actually quite funny, talented, and rarely hurtful. Of course they never make fun of me so maybe that's why it is funny and not hurtful. :) Last week they were watching the Spygate videos provided by the NFL and basically just goofing around. Well this was all caught on tape. At one point the one guy was asking what a guy on the video was doing, and the other responds that he isn't doing anything. The first guy says, "No he is making signals, but it wouldn't be good if he weren't doing it discretely". The other guy says, "How is it that you can do something discretely, but can't do it cretely".

I thought this was an excellent point and wanted to take it to my readers (all two of you). Here is my word. You can do something nonchalantly, but I have never heard of anyone doing something chalantly.

My comments are open, so fire away.

Rackem,

The Traveler

Yup, these are my clients...

2008-05-07T09:44:00.004-05:00

I was talking with a former colleague a while back and he mentioned that while he worked for this company who was a client of mine they sent out a memo or posted it on the intranet. Again, I am not making this up... It actually happened (You can't make this stuff up).

Please Conserve Water

Conserving water is part of a total mindset of environmental responsibility. The U.S., with less than five percent of the world's population uses 25 percent of its natural resources. Please help
by conserving water. Be aware of how much water you use/ Awareness is the first step in conservation. The average person uses fifty gallons of water per day on the following activities:
Toilet.................................. 19 gallons per day*
Bathing & hygiene............... 15 gallons per day
Laundry............................... 8 gallons per day
Kitchen................................ 7 gallons per day
Housekeeping....................... 1 gallon per day
TOTAL................................ 50 gallons per day
*At work, the two greatest wastes of water from toilets are malfunctioning fixtures (toilets don't flush properly) and the "courtesy flush". "Courtesy flushers" use many extra gallons of water to ensure that others in the restroom don't experience any odors they created. While their intent is good, the result is extreme waste of one of the world's most precious natural resources. Please don't "courtesy flush". If the fixture isn't working properly, report it to your Real Estate Operations Manager.

Priceless!!

2008-05-02T10:40:00.002-05:00

The whole thing is funny, but scroll to about 3 minutes and 40 seconds in the clip...

Exit Pig One, Pig Two... Same Story...

2008-05-01T06:02:00.001-05:00

CLASSIC!

It's actually a poly blend...

2008-04-30T09:27:00.003-05:00

A colleague and I were discussing being on site at client for the first time and I mentioned that I will wear a suit and tie as she normally wears a suit. I said that I need to justify owning suits as I don't wear them very much. She said come to the dark side with me, meaning wear them often. I automatically thought of this commercial!

Oh, I am working this!

Boniva Break

2008-04-29T07:08:00.002-05:00

SNL is making a come back. The toast to Sally Field is AWESOME!!!! Kiki and Jadon. Together Forever!!

On the Same Page...

2008-04-28T11:38:00.003-05:00

I saw this on the same page as the Boom-di-ada link. I normally look at Youtube for comedy, but found this link very interesting. I will definitely have to study his comments before I can draw conclusions. Its kinda long so you might not be able to watch at work and really draw anything. Thoughts? Comments?

Oh, here is the link he references: http://www.eternal-productions.org/101science.html

Boom-di-ada, Boom-di-ada, Boom-di-ada, Boom-di-ada...

2008-04-28T11:02:00.002-05:00

For those of you who sang this during music class in grade school enjoy... oh yeah, and good luck getting it out of your head...

Tag... I'm it?

2008-04-26T08:38:00.007-05:00

Ok, so my friend the Tree Hugger (who is NOT preggers) asked me to participate in a sort of social experiment. So here we go:

Rules for the game: (1st RULE: You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB.
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB. Just kidding)

1. Put these rules at the beginning of your post.
2. Answer each question (see below) in your post.
3. Tag five people at the end.

What was I doing 10 years ago?
I was in college probably sleeping off a night of drunkenness. What a waste of life.

Five things I would do if I were a billionaire:
There is a GREAT line from Office Space regarding this question, but it would no doubt fall flat in print so here is my list.
1.Tithe
2.Give most of it away.
3.Pay off my mortgage.
4.Secure my family's future. (Retirement funds, Future kid's college funds (and no we are not preggers).
5. Quit working

Five jobs that I have had:
1.Consultant
2.Consultant
3.Tech Support
4.Intern
5.Event Coordinator

Three of my habits:
1.Listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning
2.Cracking my knuckles
3. Checking my Crackberry (pray you never get one)

Five places I have lived
1.Austin, TX
2.College Station, TX
3.Houston, TX
4.Dallas, TX
5.Irving, TX

Five people I want to get to know better.
1. The Travel Size One
2. Toddatello Ingabogovinanana
3. D-Lux
4. Palomita
5. Dubya

Rack'em,
The Traveler

A whirlwind of a trip!

2008-04-26T07:20:00.003-05:00

Well, today, is our last day in the New York. The only words I can use to describe this week are "HOLY CRAP"! We arrived here last Sunday and it has been quite a week. I think we actually LOST weight on this trip because we walked so much. I may actually have to sit down and do a blog per day to go into all the details but here's the gist of the trip:

Greenwich Village Food Tour
One if by land, two if by sea
Wicked (UNBELIEVABLE!!!!)
Shopping, Shopping, Shopping (sorry girls I'm taken)
6 different places for Pizza
Empire State Building (RIP OFF!)

The Travel Size One is now laying on the bed in a quasi-coma-like state trying to recover before we have to depart.

Rack'em,

The Traveler

One of the Funniest things I have seen in a long time...

2008-04-17T12:50:00.001-05:00

For those of you who have seen the Chuck Norris "Facts", You'll appreciate this email I got from my buddy.

Go to GOOGLE.com and in the search bar type "Find Chuck Norris" and instead of hitting search, choose the I'M FEELING LUCKY button.

AWESOME!!!

WAR KITTENS!!!

2008-04-15T10:28:00.004-05:00

For those who haven't seen it this commercial cracks me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yosTIwbFjzM

I have WAR KITTENS!!! as my status on one of my IM's. This buddy of mine sent me this picture with the message "WAR KITTENS!!!" appended.

No, Cute fuzzy kittens. You know baby cats?

Rack'em,

The Traveler

A Trip to Lowe's

2008-04-13T08:11:00.006-05:00

The Travel Size One was studying for Step 3 last night and her brain was essentially fried so we took a little break. At her suggestion we went to Lowe's. Now fella's let me caveat here and tell you that there is nothing sexier than a woman who not only likes to shop at Lowe's or Fry's but recommends it. I actually think it is every man's dream (despite what they say).

So we get in the car and I immediately notice it. I think to myself, does she notice it? We don't even get out of the drive way and the Travel Size One says, "It smells like a fart in here". To which I reply, "it sure does". Of course she looks at me. I rebuke her immediately and proclaim my innocence. Thing is, it wasn't a fresh one. It smelled like a fart was hiding out in the back seat and popped up for the occasion. She looks at me and says, "You were the last one in here". To which I respond, "You're right, but that was 2 hours ago, and I am pretty sure IF it had been me it would have dissipated by now". I mean the physics of the whole situation was mind boggling. NO WAY a fart hangs around that long (guys back me up here). She is absolutely convinced that it was me. So I continue to plead my case by proclaiming, "Honey, I didn't wipe my butt on the floor mat, and besides if it had been me I would have claimed it."

To be honest, it was impressive. I really think there was something that got stuck in the air. I honestly don't think I am that good. I mean two hours!! To be that potent it would have taken the leather off the seat upon initial disbursement.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Cha Ching!!

2008-04-11T08:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, That was a quick fast. I feel better and yes it was a shameless ploy for some Comment-lovin'. But I wanted to pass this along to my audience (all four of you).

http://www.window.state.tx.us/up/

I didn't some searching and the Travel Size One and I got bupkis, but I found where my uncle is owed like four hundy... I sent the link to his 17 year old son with instructions to show his dad and ask for a percentage based on finders fee and following through with the unclaimed property. I figure that'll get him 50%. Knowing my uncle, he'll take the rest and put it in a savings account for the rest of his life :)

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Blog Strike

2008-04-10T08:49:00.004-05:00

Ok, I am going on a blog strike. It's kinda like a hunger strike only I really don't suffer. Why you ask? I have posted 7 blogs without a single comment from ANYONE! Heck even anonymous hasn't reared his/her ugly head to tell me what a moron I am. I must receive comments or the player's union will not budge. So in the words of Temple of the Dog:

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cups already overfilled
But its on the table
The fire is cooking
And they're farming babies
While the slaves are working
The blood is on the table
And their mouths are choking
But I'm (not Blogging)

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Viva La Resistance! (No idea why I added this, but it sounded cool at the time)

She's Feisty

2008-04-08T13:56:00.003-05:00

The Travel Size One is on a Child Abuse rotation this month. This was her response to my "How's your day going?" text message, "Not bad... Just got to go to court. I think the bastard will go to jail". She's fired up and feisty!

Drunk In Public

2008-04-07T12:43:00.015-05:00

This is a first. I was in an airport on Thursday night last week waiting on my flight (delayed again). I am just sitting there minding my own business when I see this guy reach over like he was going pick up a bag. The only thing is that he kept on reaching and reaching and reaching. It hits me. This guy is falling... Quick thinking! He's having a diabetic episode or a heart attack! So I leap up to help him thinking, "CALL 911, or 411, or 311 if you need parks and recreation" (Ok, I made those last two up). I help him come out of his offensive lineman-esque stance only to have him start to topple AGAIN! I finally escort him over to the chair where I was sitting, casually wondering why the heck isn't someone helping me. I then look back to see someone (who'd later turn out to be an acquaintance, pulling on his belt, more on this jerk in a minute). As I sit him down a lady walks up and says, "I am a doctor, are you ok"? The guy starts to slur his speech a little to which I immediately assume, "Diabetic, Low blood sugar". The doctor examines him for all of 30 seconds before she says, "Had a little fun today have you?"

I swear his response was almost like that scene from the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy where the old drunk that knows Sonny (Sandler) from the bar starts taunting him in the court room from the witness stand. Sonny asks him, "What are you drunk Mr. Herlihy?". The drunk responds, "Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it?"

Only thing is, this guy was not that intelligible. My sympathy goes out the door. QUICK!

This guy is probably late forties, early to mid fifties and he is drunker than a 19 year old on Spring break. It wasn't like he was boisterous, obnoxious, loud and carousing drunk. No! This guy had drunk himself into a catatonic-like stupor that was nothing but pathetic.

The doctor immediately tells him (as if the did any good) and his friend that he better get some food in him or they will not let him on the plane. I move off to the side with one of my consultants to mock from a far. Let's be honest, this is unintentional comedy that can't be measured on a chart. All the jokes are flying from on lookers. "I hope thats not our pilot". "Wow I didn't know Ed Asner was on this flight." "I will end up sitting next to this guy with my luck." There were some pretty good ones. This basically went on for 45 minutes to an hour. In the mean time, his friend gets him a sandwich and bottle of water from a nearby deli only to have him pull the bottle away from his mouth with out up righting it effectively pooring it all over himself.

They finally call our flight to board and I look around to see if they are going to let Amy Winehouse's brother get on our plane. As I am starting to board, I see the doctor walk up to the gate agent and undoubtly tell that the guy is "45 sheets" and shouldn't be allowed on the plane. To which I mention to some of the other witnesses boarding that I don't think he'll be getting on this plane. The doctor just ratted him out (good for her).

I arrive at my seat and get comfortable only to see Keith Richards board the plane. I think I actually said out loud, "They are really going to let that loser get on the plane?". Sure enough. This guy comes along doing his best "Ted 'Sammy Sooser' Kennedy I'm really not drunk" impersonation and plops down next to this poor lady who had the misfortune of having the window seat next to him. I was not close enough to get all the details of this meeting, but my buddy was and he said he felt for this poor lady. I am thinking this guy is going to get sick on the plane and EVERYONE else is going to follow suit.

About this time, I see the doctor from before sitting 3 rows behind him ring her call button. The flight attendant walks up and she undoubtedly tells him that "Arthur On the Rocks" is in no condition to travel. Apparently the gate agent was blind. So he walks up to Cooter Brown to ask him if he is ok. You could tell the Flight Attendant was not ok with it but he walks away. Minutes later, you see the lady sitting next Ernest Hemingway ring the flight attendant call button. This does it! The flight attendant gives the "follow me" motion. Might I also add that you could hear a pin drop at this point as everyone is staring intently at the fiasco unfolding. At this point Richard Burton, gets up and ever so gingerly ambles to the front of the plane. He only pauses for a moment to pray to the porcelain god in the First class head (swear on my life). After a minute or two the flight attendant opens the door and says ,"Come on out". While this is all going on, his "friend" is gathering his things along with the contents Lindsay Lohan brought on the plane and walking to the front. My main issue with this jerk is that he helped this guy get on the plane and then had the gall not to offer to switch seats with this poor lady.

As they get off the plane, I realize I am sitting around some good ol' boys (you gotta know your audience) to which I quip, "I guess that is the definition of Drunk in Public". It got a good laugh.

ZIP IT DODA

2008-04-02T07:33:00.005-05:00

This morning on the way to the client I notice a vanity plate that says "ZPT DODA". So I point it out to one of my consultants and think about what it is saying. He states in a very matter-of-fact manner, "Zip it, Doda". I respond with, "I think it says zippidity doo-daa". To which he replies "Oh yeah". From now on though when I hear that song, it will be "ZIP IT DODA". Such a glamorous life it is consulting.

Fukudome

2008-04-01T15:34:00.002-05:00

What an unfortunate name... Supposedly he is the new Japanese sensation now playing for the Chicago Cubs. I can never take him seriously though... not with a name like Fukudome.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Snowball

2008-04-01T06:31:00.005-05:00

I figured out that I need a new buddy named Snowball. In the airport yesterday while waiting on a flight, my buddy and I were watching the upgrade list scroll through the list of poor schmucks who are just on the outside looking in. Anyone who has ever travelled for a living knows this list. Your comfort level lives and dies by this list. Even your sanity can live and die by this list depending if it is Spring Break or not. I finally see my name... 13th on the list. Oh yeah and there are only 2 available seats. So my buddy looks at me and says, "Well looks like you'll be sitting in the back with Snowball". I respond, "Snowball?" He says, "yeah, you know you have just a little bit better chance of getting upgraded than a snowballs chance in hell". To which I immediately reply, "You are absolutely right! I need a buddy named Snowball!" To which he responds, "Yeah, then you'd never be dead last. You'd always have Snowball who'd be in worse shape." So there you go.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Stealing my own Blog ~ Top 10 Etiquette Rules of Flying

2008-03-26T07:14:00.004-05:00

I created this blog as a guest blog on a friend's blog. Someone subsequently stole it from that blog and I determined that I should steal it as well.

Top 10 Etiquette Rules of Flying

Now these are in order of boarding to deplaning and not necessarily importance.

10. Pre-boarding: Look at the little card in your hand and use common sense. If it says Group 3, you do not board first. First Class always boards first, then Status members, then everyone else. If you are on an Embraer where everyone is First Class and there are three groups to board starting from Group 3, YOU STILL DON'T BOARD FIRST! The people who fly week in and week out board first and then Group 3 boards and 2 and so on. This has two parts:

A. Don't try and sneak on to get your luggage on board. This is very poor form.
B. Don't stand at the entrance to the boarding line like they may magically call group 4 before they call group 6 or 1 (or First Class or Status). All you are doing is blocking the way and angering people. This, by the way, should be punishable by a public slapping.

9. When you get on the plane, stick your roll-aboard in the over head compartment and move in to the aisle to take off any extraneous garment you don’t want on your person during the flight. This is not Paris, Milan, L.A. or New York. This is not your personal runway. Other people are trying to board and you essentially are holding up the process of taking off.

8. Luggage stowage: If you have two items. One goes under your seat. If you have a small item only, THIS STILL goes under your seat. Taking up precious overhead space is bush league. If you are sitting in Row 28, your luggage is not that heavy. You have lugged it around all day and another 50 feet will not kill you. DO NOT put your luggage in the bin above aisle 10 or so help me… All this does is slow the boarding process because the people in Aisle 10 have to find a place for their belongings and inevitably it will slow the deplaning process.

7. Sit in your assigned seat. Again look at that little card in your hand and do the math. Oh and don't try and sit in the exit row seats (the poor man's First Class) and think the frequent flyer who got that seat will just see you and say "Oh I better find another seat".

6. Flight Attendants: Be nice to these people. Do not refer to them as stewardesses. This is not 1950. These people are there to ensure your safety (As much as anyone outside of the cockpit can). They are not there to wait on you hand and foot. If you are rude to them then that puts them in a foul mood and the rest have to suffer. Oh and don’t be surprised if you get a sneezer.

5. Seat positioning: If you have the bladder of a new born puppy, don't choose the window seat. In fact don't choose the middle seat unless you can not help it. If you are not able to help it you are to be on a liquid fast 3 hours prior to take off and during the entire flight. Because the first time you get up to go to the bathroom people will understand. The third or fourth time, you may get lynched.

4. Swapping seats: Don't ask to do this unless the swap is equitable. (See my Comment on Airline Etiquette Lesson #1). If you are traveling for pleasure and you book far enough in advance you should be able to sit next to your companion. Go online to the airline’s website and make this happen. I know you can do it! If the airline screws up and moves you to another flight then my apologies but don't make me suffer for their mistake. If you book a Super Saver seat and end up having to take the left-over seats then that is your bad.

3. Leaning back: Don't lean back if you don't plan on sleeping. I and many others on the plane are trying to work. We have laptops and it is very difficult to work with our laptop screen in our Adam's apple. I don't mind if you are sleeping but don't sit there and have a conversation with another person reclined like you are in a Laz-y-boy at your house.

2. I don't want to talk to you: Nobody wants to talk to you. Question: Do I come to your car and sit there and talk to you while you are going to work? That is exactly what we are doing. There is a 90% chance that if you see someone in a suit or dress slacks and shirt on Monday morning, the same attire on Thursday evening, or wearing jeans and a haggard look then there is a good chance that person is going to or returning from work. I may chit chat with you. You know, "price of tea in China" type conversation. This is mere politeness. It is not an invitation to yap for the next three and a half hours.

1. Deplaning: Ok here are the rules. They are simple. Do not chit chat. Each row on the plane leaves. If you have issues getting your roll-aboard down move inside and struggle there. Let the other people off the plane. I am finally getting home and don’t want to have to sit there and listen to your conversation or determine that you need to hit the gym. Do not try to get your briefcase to connect to your roll-a-board before getting off the jet-way and clear of the entrance. This is still blocking everyone and you are not nimble enough to maneuver your luggage as so. This is the airplane equivalent to rubber-necking in traffic and it angers others.

So you ask what give The Traveler the right to make these bold statements. Last week, I was in another city and The Airline calls me. "Mr. The Traveler, we noticed that you did not fly with us during the month of December and we wanted to check in and make sure everything was ok, and that there was nothing we did to discourage you from flying with us." To which I responded that everything was fine and that I had a slow month. I also find it ironic that they were calling me in March about December when I had flown 20 times or so since then. Oh well just goes to show how "important" I am.

Post-Call, Bitter Sweet

2008-03-22T16:49:00.012-05:00

For those of you who LOVE Basketball, like NCAA Basketball, or will just watch any sporting event that comes on TV, this has got to be one of the greatest weekends (potentially even rivalling bowl week). I must admit I am in the latter group. I am not a big hoops fan, but there is something about vegging out and watching as many games as you possibly can. There really are some great moments. Today is no different. Duke was beaten, which I couldn't believe. I mean I know they live and die by the three and were not as tough as everyone thought, but it is still shocking. KState is actually hanging with Wisconsin. A&M will play later. Xavier and Purdue are playing and it appears to be a pretty close game. I do have to steal from one of my favorite sports writers here. I think Xavier would be an awesome boys name, but I'd be afraid that I would call him nothing but X-man and he'd end up with a complex. I have a propensity for propagating nicknames.

Random thought, the Jackie Moon (a.k.a. Will Ferrell) commercials are AWESOME!

Here's the thing most Saturdays are not devoted to watching sports all day. My Travel Size Better Half and I typically spend the day hanging out. We either go run errands or putter around the house (ok, that makes us sound about 70). The main difference is that she spent 30 hours straight in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and is quietly sleeping on the couch (Post-Call).

Another random point, I took my 4 pound yorkie to see my Mom last night and he played with my sisters 4 pound maltese for about 20 hours straight. I have never seen him that active for that long. He is laying next to me on the couch actually sleeping in a position very similar to my Travel Size Bride on the couch across from me. Guess he had a rough time playing...

I say that it is bitter sweet, because while I love proving my fan-hood in front of the ladies all day long, I'd rather be hanging out with my Travel Size Wife. C'est la vie. Bitter Sweet.

Let the Grunting Begin!!!

2008-03-17T10:13:00.007-05:00

This weekend, the Travel Size One and I went and did one of the coolest things I have ever done in my life! Let me give you some information and you can figure it out:

Width - 58.2 in
Depth - 15.4 in
Height - 39.5 in
Technology - DLP, Projection
Resolution - 1920 x 1080
Display Format - 1080p (FullHD)

If you aren't grunting, you should be... even you girls. Start grunting!

Image Aspect Ratio - 16:9
Color Wheel - 6 segments; 10,800 rpm
Progressive Scan - Progressive scanning (line doubling)
Widescreen Modes - 16:9
Comb Filter - 4D digital

That's right! We went to one of the best electronics stores on the face of this Earth and you guessed it The Traveler brought home a new 65'' Mitsubishi WD-65733 Rear Projection TV.

So now there are some people I'd like to apologize to and thank. First and foremost is the Travel Size One. Thank you for allowing me to get one of the nicest pieces of equipment I have ever owned. I am ever so grateful!

Now to the Movie Theaters and Professional Sporting venues, I am sorry but I don't think I will ever darken your doors again. It has been less than 24 hours with this behemoth and I can already say I am spoiled. Anything that a movie theater or sporting venue brings to the table will be shallow and ultimately fall short. So for that I am sorry!

Rack'em,

The Traveler

P.S. Here is a link to view my new toy. I'll warn you it doesn't do it justice.

http://www.mitsubishi-tv.com/j/i/18326/TelevisionDetails/WD65733.html?cid=5385

In Vino Veritas

2008-02-26T12:09:00.017-06:00

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

What would a blog be if it didn't start with an Anchorman quote? That may become a prerequisite for this blog. All things must in someway relate back to Anchorman, Seinfeld, or Chris Rock. I no doubt would lose at least one reader and after she takes my life with a butter knife I wouldn't be able to quote much less blog about those three subjects. (Only kidding, kind of). Just to clear up this previous sentence. The Travel Size One LOVES (and by LOVES, I mean HATES) when I quote the above three!

Wow, that was a complete ADD Moment (ADHD as the Travel Size One reminds me, "ADD is now ADHD, non-hyperactive"). Humor and medical lessons, should I just quit now? Nope on to the point!

So you take my first quote and replace all variations of Scotch with Wine, and that is me! I love wine. Winey, wine, wine. Here it goes down, down into my belly... To give a little perspective, the Travel Size One and I have been drinking wine for quite some time now. We both enjoy it. We even went to Napa for our 1st anniversary. I think I can say after our trip, I was hooked! I now have a subscription to Wine Spectator (Complements of the Travel Size One), I have a wine cellar in my office (Complements of the Travel Size One), and I have several tomes to be read regarding the beauty that is wine. I find myself online looking for wine to purchase, learning to pronounce French words dealing with wine (Loire = l'war, go figure), or trying to find a new book to read regarding wine. There is a little store approximately 30 minutes out of my way regardless where I am going, but I can find a "reason" to pop in, no problem, just to look at wine or talk with the sales people.

Most of all, I love to drink wine. I love the knowledge of wine, but even more I love the experience of wine. Not the effects mind you, but the experience that comes with it. The memories that can be reminisced just by uncorking a bottle of Merlot that reminds me of the night asked my best friend to be my wife. A bottle of Petite Syrah that reminds me of a date night before we were married where she cooked and I brought a movie (and wine). Cabernet Franc that brings a fond memory of the first vineyard we visited in California where they pumped opera through the romantic caves as we barrel tasted. The Cabernet Sauvignon we had for a romantic dinner at home. The Pinot Noir we had at our first Christmas in our first house. One of the best times I have had with the Travel Size One was when we sat down and pulled out all the corks we have accumulated over our short time together and talked about them. Some of the corks were, "I don't remember where we had this wine", but most were "Oh do you remember that time ?"

So with wine comes truth. I know the intent of this Latin phrase, but I think there is a deeper meaning for me. Wine is something I enjoy have many fond memories of with someone who is very special to me and am looking forward to the many memories to come.

Rink Mink

2008-02-05T08:05:00.001-06:00

I blame the Travel Sized One for this... I have the paint bug... So if you need a room painted this week, I am your guy.

Oh yeah. I am actually home this week which is pretty cool. I have it worked out with the project I am on to be onsite 2 weeks and off 1 week. So a little more time with the Travel Sized One. Good times (Except she is on nights in the PICU)! The PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) has been put on this Earth to break every Resident who has entered the hallowed halls of a hospital. That could be a blog in itself.

Back to my story. So the Travel Sized One says to me (pre-PICU), "I think I am going to paint the game room. Will you help?" So I say sure, and do the thing I do best. Start to ask questions. This immediately annoys her because she thinks that I am trying to dissuade her from undertaking this task. I just explain to her that it is a pretty big task and I have to get it thought out in my mind. So we buy the brushes and the paint and the tarps and the tape and I realize that I may need a small home loan to complete one room. Man it is expensive! All that to say, we get about two-thirds to three-quarters of the way through and The Travel Sized One says, "I am glad you helped". To which I respond, "It was a little more than you thought it was going to be?" She openly admits (and I have to concur) that it is a butt load of work.

Now I am on websites looking at color schemes.

Going to The Home Improvement Store picking up swatches.

Trying to decide if the paint we like for the bathroom will match the tile.

Will it coordinate with the Bedroom?

Yep, I have the paint bug.

The title of this blog actually comes from a conversation I had with my Travel Sized Better Half. We were looking at a swatch that had a light brown called "Ranch Mink". We have a conversation an hour later where she can't recall the name and proceeds to call it "Rink Mink". We have a good laugh and then it dawns on her. She is not only turning into her mother... She is turning into mine! My mother has an uncanny ability to transpose entire words for products or businesses.

Here are a couple of examples. Cotton Patch. She refers to it as Cabbage Patch. While you may end up looking like a stuffed doll if you eat there enough I don't see the parallel. Fat Tire Beer (Mmm.... Beer). She calls it Fat Cat. Now I have no idea why a beer reminds my mother of a portly feline but hey it's her world.

So now Ranch Mink is Rink Mink... and oh my gosh, I married my mother! Only kidding. The Travel Size One has a lot of the good qualities I see in my mom but she is no way an exact copy of my mom!

The Dark Seekers

2008-01-29T16:15:00.000-06:00

For those of you not familiar with "I am Legend" the latest Will Smith Movie there are a group of um, lets say beings so as not to spoil anything, called the Dark Seekers. Basically they are the villains of the movie and responsible for the demise of any human who invades their territory. This would be the dark.

On Saturday, the Travel-Sized One tried to sacrifice both our lives to our version of the Dark Seekers, the frequenters of a Wal-Mart SuperCenter on a weekend or a week night. When she made the recommendation I looked at her as though she had just ask me to step into oncoming traffic, which by the way I would rather do. I brought up the analogy of the Dark Seekers and the fact that they would tear us limb from limb if we ventured into their territory and like a sympathetic wife she relented. That is why I love her.

After church on Sunday, I decided to be brave and to enter the Dark Seekers' domain. Several anomalies caught my eye. One thing you must know about the Dark Seekers is that when they come to Wal-mart it is a family event. I mean everyone from cousins to kids, to Grandma, to grand pa, to third sons twice removed. EVERYONE comes!

One observation is that the kids always seem to think it is a play ground and therefore commence to run around like little heathens and the parents put on the glasses that disallow them to see this happening. This day was different. One of the kids ran into the Travel-Sized One and the parent actually said, "I'm sorry". After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I raved about the fact that she actually was apologized to for a good fifteen minutes and preceded to vow a blog regarding this phenomenon.

The second phenomenon that shocked me was that we got to the check out and the wife gets in a line that appears to have 8 people in line. I look at her to ask if she has lost her mind and that there are other lanes with 3 or 4 people in them. She then tells me to trust her. So I comply. At this point I see the lady who is in the front of the 7 or 8 people finish her transaction which was no more than 2 or 3 items and begins to walk out. I am not kidding, the entire group walked out with her. It was like they planned a road trip to Wally World and this was their big jaunt for the week. I then figure that the man-hours spent on the 2 or 3 items are one of the main reasons we are in an economic down fall. It was a perfect alignment to most companies I work for. They have 7 or 8 people doing the job that 1 or 2 can do and really on 1 or 2 do it and the other 5 or 6 just collect a pay check. Yes, the economy is bad but I think our inefficiency as a society plays a large role. The proof is in the pudding.

Back in the Saddle

2008-01-22T18:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, it has been sometime since I last blogged and a buddy of mine sent me a link to his new blog today so I am feeling froggy and think I may jump back on the old Blog Bandwagon. Right now I am working on a remediation matter that takes up, oh, most of my life so it the witicisms and humor you come to expect from The Traveler may be few and far between but they will come. I have had several moments over the recent hiatus that have screamed "YOU SHOULD BLOG ABOUT THIS MOMENT!", but alas I have been swamped and therefore this has taken a backseat. So get ready for some back to the basics, fair and biased blogging to end all blogging.

Rack'em,
The Traveler

Pet Peeves Day 2

2007-06-12T07:10:00.000-05:00

Nancy Grace and Paris Hilton

I shouldn't need to say anymore. They are both living pet peeves especially the latter.

My Pet Peeves

2007-06-11T07:54:00.000-05:00

I think I am easily annoyed. OK. I AM VERY EASILY ANNOYED! I think over the next week I am going to start "blogging" about my pet peeves and why they annoy me.

The first on my list has got to be cheesy Christian marketing. No I am not talking about "Safe for the whole family" or "God Listens". Those are really mild. I am talking about something that has been annoying the Travel Sized One and me for some time now. Church signs that use trite phrases like it is going to actually draw people in the door.

Warning!!! All that you are about to read are actual signs that we have seen recently. I only warn because you may want a trash can to put by your desk to vomit in.

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins"

"Is God your Co-Pilot? Swap seats"

"What is missing in Ch _ _ ch? UR!"

It is honestly an epidemic that is running rampant among churches in The City. Sad. It truly is sad. More pet peeves to come... Stay Tuned!

Lots of A's and B's

2007-06-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

Well I had to take an exam on Saturday and it was the first I had to take in a LONG time! We are talking Scan tron, number 2 pencils, proctors (who do well if they can read the exam correctly), the works! It was ridiculous because I sat there thinking about how I use to take exams in college. "If I miss this many I fail... Answer A looks like the common sense answer... lets choose B. Wow, that seems like a lot of B's in a row, maybe that one was A???" You know you remember those days! They all came rushing back and then I remembered. I don't miss them at all!

Bartender's Ball

2007-03-27T06:55:00.000-05:00

For those who know me and from the name of my blog you can no doubt tell that I travel... A LOT! Through out those travels I have seen A LOT! Well last night was a new one. The hotel I am staying at in BFE, NY hosted an event that no doubt brings all types from all walks of life. You guessed it! The Bartender's Ball! It is apparently a charity event that allows all of the Bartenders (in NY I assume) to get together raise some money for a good cause and dress up like its Prom.

Think back to your Prom. There were all types. The kid who wore his dad's tux. The guy who wore the pimp tuxedo (including Zorro hat and cane). The guy who wore the tux with matching sneakers and baseball cap. The girl who spent $7,000 dollars on a dress. The girl everyone called a hoochie and stayed true to her hoochie form even in hoochie formal evening attire. The girl that uses Behr Paint and an air brush instead of Cover Girl. Remember those people? Well they all grew up (and out) and moved to NY to become bartenders. I found the whole scene very amusing.

Then I got to thinking. My assumption was that there would be much alcohol imbibed and since the elevator smelled like Ernest Hemingway this morning I am going to stick with that assumption. So here is my thought. If all the bartenders are attending the ball who'd serve the drinks? These are the things I think about. What would it be like for the poor schlep who had to tend bar for a bunch of bartenders? Were they giving him tips or making fun of him because he wasn't important enough to be invited to the bartender’s ball?

What kind of activities did they have? Martini shaking, who can last the longest? Who can uncork a bottle of wine the fastest? Was it more like Tom Cruise in Cocktail where they had bartending poetry? This would be an interesting sub-culture to be a fly on the wall. We all know how bartenders act when they are behind the bar. All cool and collective! Would they be the same way when not? Are there celebrity bartenders (like poker players) that all the bartenders are in awe of but no body outside of the bartending world knows? These are the things I think about.

Fartin' in the Men's Room

2007-03-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, It has been a while since I have blogged and my adoring fans are no doubt spread through out the world (all two of you) so in the spirit of camaraderie I wanted to do something to bring us back together. Blog.

I couldn't think of a better Balboa-like return topic than "breaking wind" in the men's room. Last week was my first week on a new client and I had to fly to their campus in BFE, New York. Literally it is 50 miles from New York City, which is like being in Oklahoma... if you live in Houston. I get to the client and everything goes as usual. I figure out who the players are, who the trouble makers are, and most importantly where the facilities are. You know, water cooler (so I can talk about the Office last week), Coke machine (so I can consume my 2 dozen Diet Cokes a day) and the men's room (so I can... never mind). Now guys, vouch for me here. When you are standing in front of the urinal or seated upon the thrown there tends to be a neccesity to relieve a certain pent up... pressure. Agreed? So I am in the men's room last week and there is a gentleman in the room taking care of the necessary sanitation exercises and doing a fantastic job. As he begins to walk out, I hear him rip one that sounded like a lawn mower about to die. Now my question is, "Is this right?" I mean just because you are in the mens room does this give you the freedom of the fart? I guess it was just an awkward situation because he was working. This would be like me farting at my desk.

On another note, the house I grew up in blew up this weekend. The family living there now was out of town but the dog and the bird were not as fortunate.

The Traveler

She Said... He Said...

2006-10-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

She said...
http://honeymooninmaui.blogspot.com/2006/10/nine-more-months.html

He said...
We're building a house... COOL!

I want my two dollars

2006-09-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

I received this email yesterday.

Begin
Dear The Traveler,

IN THE CIRCUIT COURT FOR THE TWENTIETH JUDICIAL CIRCUITST. CLAIR COUNTY, ILLINOIS

THOMAS L. MAULDING, individually and on behalf of all others similarly situated,
Plaintiff,
v.HILTON HOTELS CORPORATION,
Defendant.
No. 02-L-0645

SHORT-FORM E-MAIL NOTICE OF PROPOSED CLASS ACTION SETTLEMENT

Maulding v. Hilton Hotels Corporation is a nationwide class action lawsuit filed in the Circuit Court of St. Clair County, Illinois, challenging resort fees charged by eleven Hilton Resort Hotels prior to January 1, 2004. The resort fees consisted of bundled per-night charges for resort services and amenities charged in addition to the per-night room rate. The following hotels (hereinafter referred to as the "Participating Hotels") are participating in the settlement...

Members of the class include all persons who stayed at a Participating Hotel prior to January 1, 2004, paid a resort fee, and either did not receive notice that the resort fee was being charged, or believe they were misinformed about the resort fee. Excluded from the class are persons who stayed at a Participating Hotel pursuant to a written group contract, persons residing in Mississippi or Montana, and all current and former employees of Hilton Hotels Corporation.

After several years of litigation, the parties in the case have reached a Settlement Agreement.

End

So here's the deal.
First, off I didn't stay in any of the hotels listed in the suit so I am not sure why I got the email.

Second, most of the time I never look at the charges associated with a room, I just charge it in and forget about it.

Third of all, those charges are typically no more than 2 or 3 bucks per night so the cost of making the phone call to a hotline they gave me would actually cost me more money (time and effort) than I would earn.

Fourth, this is pathetic. I mean some lawyer had the thought they are overcharging everybody and then had the audacity to sue them. This is one of those cases where the lawyers are really going to be the only winner. Unless we do some Traveler Math.

Let's say I stayed at one of the hotels for four nights

$2.00 X 4 = $8.00

It was prior to January 1, 2004 so that would be 2.5 years ago compound that monthly at a meager 8%:

Excel = $261.45

Punitive Damages: $5,000,000

$261.45 + $5,000,000 = $5,000,261.45

Lost wages: $10,000,000

$5,000,261.45 + $10,000,000 = $15,000,261.45

Pain and Suffering: $25,000,000

$15,000,261.45 + $25,000,000 = $40,000,261.45

Attorney's Fees: $40,000,261.45

$40,000,261.45 + $40,000,261.45 = $80,000,522.90

And there you have it. I figure Hilton Hotels owes me approximately $80,000,522.90. Let's be realistic, I will settle out of court right now for $80,000,000. Isn't America great!

A Cruel, Cruel Joke

2006-09-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

I was traveling back from California yesterday which is really different in that I normally return on Friday and I had to drop off my rental car at a different company (See previous post). Typically on the "Travel Days" (Sunday/Monday and Thursday/Friday) the car company and TSA are better staffed to handle the increased demand. Well on Wednesdays they are not. This of course gives yours truly time to observe.

We arrive (my consultant and I) at the rental car facility to a rather long line of people dropping their cars off. For those who don't know, you pull into this parking lot and a gentleman or lady will come by, inspect your car, see if you didn't fill up your car with gas (So they can charge you $17.00 per gallon), and then provide you a receipt. It's at this point that I start to get frustrated. I don't want to miss my flight. They only have one guy handling 20 cars and I have to admit he is the BLACKEST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN! I mean he makes Charley Murphy (I'm Rick James...) and Wesley Snipes look Caucasian. He is taking forever on just one car and it is sucking my will to live. Finally another gentleman comes along and starts knocking off cars 5 to this guy's 1. Eventually, the very dark gentleman gets to our car and begins to check us out. As I am taking the receipt from him, I notice his name tag and try not to double take, stare, or laugh.

We begin to head for the bus to take us to the terminal and I ask my consultant, "Did you see his name tag?" The consultant says "No". I begin to laugh and say "His name was Albino!" What a cruel, cruel joke... I mean the only thing worse would be for his parents to name him Saltine. Just brutal!

"Not Exactly" and Second Forms of Identification

2006-09-18T11:01:00.000-05:00

Last night should have been a normal night. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Go to California... Boy, was I wrong. My normal Sunday flight leaves at 8:45 and lands at 10:20. No it is not supersonic... You have to lose a couple of hours. So in reality, I normally land at 12:20 CDT. So let's take a look at a timeline.

4:41 PM CDT: I get a text message from the Travel Size Better Half saying "Looks like your flight is delayed - So sorry". This prompts me to get on the Internet and verify that in fact my flight now leaves at 9:45. I think great! This will allow me to get some chores done and go have dinner some where not in the airport.

6:30 PM CDT: I take off for The Restaurant. Heading toward the Airport requires me to pass the stadium where "America's Team" plays. Traffic is a little heavier than usual, but I get to The Restaurant in time for kick off and enjoy a frothy beverage.

8:00 PM CDT: I leave for The Restaurant at the beginning of the second quarter and head for The Airport.

8:20 PM CDT: I get to the airport and get through security with plenty of time.

8:21 PM CDT: I receive an email noting that my flight will be delayed until 10:15. Just as I make it through security... how apropos. One good thing about the new terminal is that there are 42" flat screens all over the place so I figure I can catch the rest of the game.

10:15 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be boarding the flight to Tulsa so if you are waiting to board for San Jose, please stand back and allow the passengers for Tulsa to board."

10:30 PM CDT: "America's Team" Wins!

10:40 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you awaiting the flight to San Jose your airplane has just landed and will be at the gate shortly. Once the arriving passengers have deplaned we will cater the plane and begin boarding."

11:00 PM CDT: "Executive Platinum and Platinum Members please begin boarding." This lady standing in front of everybody is speaking in broken English asking all the people behind her if they are first class and then moving aside as they nod and walk by. "Dear Queen Dee Dee Dee, it doesn't matter! MOVE!"

11:10 PM CDT: It strikes me that if we leave now we won't make it into San Jose until after 12:30 PDT. It also occurs to me, "The rental car place may not stay open after 12:00 PDT." I call my Corporate Travel Agent, whom shall be referred to as "Worthless" from this point forward, to see if they can get me the contact number of the rental car company. Of course, they ask to have my itinerary number like I have it memorized. I say no, but my last name is such and such and my email is such and such. "Thank you sir. Let me check. Can you please verify your email?" Is there an echo? So I verify and "Worthless" informs me that I don't have a rental car on my itinerary. "What do we have for her Johnny!" I state that I simply need the phone number. She says that she doesn't have the number for that branch, but she can give me a toll free number. All I want is the friggin' number for the rental car place. Begrudgingly she forks over the number. Ironically, I saw an email in my inbox from earlier in the day titled "How are we doing?" from, you guessed it, the employer of "Worthless".

11:15 PM CDT: "Thank you for calling 'The Rental Car Place' how may I be of assistance"? I inform him that my flight has been delayed getting into SJC and ask if the Rental Car facility stays open past midnight. He informs me that it does not and that if I am not there at midnight or shortly after I will not have a car. I then proceed to ask if there is any way to arrange for someone to stay late (no later than 30 minutes) and he informs me that he can't make someone stay later. I keep waiting for him to say "Who do you think we are Hertz". I tell him thanks for nothing and hang up.

11:17 PM CDT: "Oh my veeery goodness thank you veeery much for calling our cab company". I inform this gentleman that I will need a cab to pick me and my consultant up at SJC and take us to Pleasanton and that we have our corporate negotiated rate. He then informs me that we no longer have a deal with this company and that I need to call another company. I don't know if he just mumbled it on purpose or if he had Chicken Tikka stuck in his teeth, but me trying to get him to tell me the name of the company that took his business gets me no where. It was foolish, but I ask if he happens to have the number. He says that I need to call my Travel Agent! AWESOME! (I swear, he is probably still lauging at me).

11:18 PM CDT: I call The Travel Agent back and get "Worthlesses" clone "Useless". I inform her that my flight is delayed, that I will not be able to pick up my car, and I need the new cab company that we have a negotiated rate with. She asks me for my itinerary number... I am about to start taking hostages. "Can you verify your email"... I would cry if I wasn't so pissed off!

11:19 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be closing the door shortly." Useless: "I am sorry, I don't see a cab company that we have a negotiated rate with." Granted this is the company that books all of our cab arrangements for training classes that, oh by the way, happens to be in the same town as I am staffed!

11:20 PM CDT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the cabin door has been closed. Please end your phone calls and turn all electronics to their off position". Useless: "Let me see if I can find a cab company..." I say, "Thanks, but my flight is about to take off" "Thank you for calling Corpo..." click

11:25 PM CDT: We take off. I reset my watch to 9:25 PM PDT.

12:35 AM PDT (2:35 AM CDT): "Ladies and Gentlemen, Please remain in your seats with seat belts until the captain turns the seat belt sign off." Bing!

12:55 AM PDT (2:55 AM CDT): My consultant says "Did you check to see if other car companies are open later?" Um... nope.

1:02 AM PDT (3:02 AM CDT): "We're sorry, but the time you are attempting to book for has already passed." I hit the back button on the browser and set the pick up time for 1:15 AM instead of 1:00 AM.

1:35 AM PDT (3:35 AM CDT): The shuttle bus arrives to take us to the rental car facility.

2:15 AM PDT (4:15 AM CDT): We get to the rental car counter (After waiting in line 30 minutes) there was a sign posted the company's new Debit Card Policy. It noted:
"Effective August 1, 2006, if you plan to use a debit card at the time of rental you will need one of the following forms of secondary identification if you are not already pre-approved"

Current Roundtrip airline ticket, e-ticket, or flight itinerary to or from the location (Makes sense).
Valid U.S. Passport (I can see that)
Valid U.S. Military ID Card (Supporting our troops, nice gesture)

All of those seem fine. Here's the kicker. The fourth form of identification deemed acceptable was "A current (within 60 days of today's date) telephone bill, utility bill, or bank statement in your name showing the same address as that shown on your issued drivers license" Here's my thought, if I am this company renting a car to someone and said person has to use one of these forms of identification I might as well go ahead and right this automobile off because:

A. It will be in a chop shop by morning

B. It will be completely wrecked upon return or

C. The combined scent of Pall Mall's, Colt 45, and body odor will be so ingrained that it will no longer be fit to provide to other customers.

My other thought is "Who in the hell carries a telephone bill, utility bill, or bank statement with them." "Gee what do I have here... road map, chapstick, pack of gum, TXU Bill..." Honestly.

In the middle of my entire crappy night, I did find this humorous. It is the little things in life. I swear. It really is!

2:45 AM PDT (4:45 AM CDT): We arrive at the hotel and check in.

3:00 AM PDT (5:00 AM CDT): I realize that I could give my manager in The City a call, because he is already up and headed to the airport to fly to... San Jose. What a long night. I figured it up and realized that I was up for almost 24 hours. A very long day. VERY, VERY LONG!

897

2006-09-14T01:22:00.000-05:00

Another epiphany... I just noticed that the gray box directly above this post has the number 897 in it. I wonder if there is a significance to that number? I have had this blog for over 9 months and I just now realized that it was there. There for a minute I thought it was ridiculous that it took me 5 hours to notice that the hotel staff knows me by name. 9 months has got to be some kind of record. The new official statement is... I am a moron... tired... and going to bed.

One more random thought, there was a poll on some T.V. show recommending the different possible sign offs for the new CBS Evening News Anchor. The best sign off was "Kiss my black ass!" That is quite possibly one of the funniest thoughts known to man since K.C. is the epitomy of whitey. That random thought was brought to you by my manager (who indeed is African-American). He is actually that (Born in Africa, raised in America). Today we were discussing the man keeping us down and he mentioned the application of "the man's" lips to his dark complected derriere. Unbelieveably comedic!

I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"

Really tired... and really going to bed.

It's official...

2006-09-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

I have been on the road for too long. I kid you not! After work today, the consultant on my team and I are walking into the hotel deeply engrossed in a conversation. We arrive at the door at about the same time as one of the hotel employees and a lady he is talking to. Out of natural courtesy I grab the door for the lady and the other gentlemen. The hotel employee says Thank You Mr. "The Traveler". I follow the group in the door and continue my conversation with the consultant. We end the conversation, I walk down my hall, enter my room, and the night goes on for the next 5 hours. About 15 minutes ago it hits me that the hotel staff KNOWS MY NAME! That is just sad. Just sad.

And then I found $20.

Someone make it STOP!!!

2006-09-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

This was on one of my favorite websites...

I now hate the person for putting it there because I will never have it out of my head. The website author claims if you watch it three times you will have it stuck in your head for the next 72 hours. TRY ONCE!

With that said, enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTKL8MNH95Q

I might be Dee Dee Dee...

2006-08-19T21:51:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have never heard of "Dee Dee Dee" before, I recommend you to the following link... Now granted if you are at work and don't have headphones then you might want to just wait until you get home. The clip is from Mind of Mencia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikrYzz1pxwU

Now it may appear as though it is making fun of the mentally retarded, but if you pay close attention you will notice he is talking about people who do stupid things and don't know it or don't care. It's kind of like the "Here's your sign" comedy bit... oh yeah... Except it's funny!

I had a case of Dee Dee Dee's this week. As both of you know (by that I mean the two people that read this blog), I get on a plane every week to go to work. I have basically been taking the same Monday morning flight for so long that I recognize other people on the flight. I haven't started asking them about there kids, but I figure that is just a matter of time. My only fear here is that they'll start bringing them on the plane (See last post). The flight attendants will probably throw my wife a baby shower someday (NO! NOT SOON! So don't read into that statement). Anyways, knowing that I take the same flight week-in and week-out I book pretty far in advance. Saves money. Gets me a seat on a packed flight. Yada Yada Yada... I take the 8:40 AM flight. Occasionally, I leave on Sunday nights and like to take the latest flight possible. This allows me to spend more time with my bride! That flight leaves at 8:30 PM. One thing I have noticed about airlines is that they all fly their routes, the same times, each day and give those flights the same number over and over... For instance I am on flight 517 every Monday morning. Sundays it is 1069. Now if you look on Monday night at 8:30 PM the flight is also 1069, Tuesday is the same... so on and so forth (I swear this is going somewhere).

So I arrive last Monday at The Airport. The usual drill ensues. Security, no problem. Starbucks, coffee. To the gate to wait for boarding (Not as long as usual since I made platinum last week! No more Jabba's). Well I get to the gate and begin to ponder the meaning of life in The Traveler's World. As I am standing there I look down at my ticket and see Monday, 8:30 PM. I thought "silly airline, they put PM instead of AM on my boarding pass". So I go to board and the reader won't take it. Stupid things are always broken. The gentlemen looks at my ticket and says "You need to speak to this lady." I step over to the side and she begins to query the passenger list for my name. I just assume she is misspelling it. Typical. Nobody, EVER spells my last name correct. My bride says, "Easy to say. Difficult to spell." I think to myself it must be hard to read it off of the boarding pass. What a Dee Dee Dee... Then I look at the flight number I am trying to board and the flight number on my boarding pass. You bet! The newly crowned king of the Dee Dee Dee's booked the wrong flight basically because he doesn't know the difference between PM and AM. So I talk to the lady and mentally apologize for my thoughts about her. She says, "We can get you on Stand-by". The next five minutes of my life were excruciating! I was so scared that I wouldn't make the flight. I was second to last to have my name called and board the plane. I was just glad to be on the plane. They put me in Row 31 E. Second to the last, middle seat. My penance for stupidity.

That was my one of my interesting stories this week. I was discussing this with my wife and we were talking about comedians. She dropped a bit of wisdom and really struck home with me. She basically said that it was amazing how comedians get away with conveying so much social commentary and then it hit me. That is why I like stand up! They tell it like it is and I respect that. I may not always agree with there message, but I appreciate somebody who has the stones to stand there and not blow smoke. It is refreshing. Maybe that's because I am the same way. Who knows, but my Travel Size Better Half always has good insight into things like that.

(If you watched the clip, you'll be singing it all day! "How many idiots can there be? Some say one out of three. If you don't know then take it from me. You're the Dee Dee Dee... So they lower the standards... So they lower the standards")

I have got to get status

2006-07-31T23:50:00.000-05:00

I know I have not been the most faithful of "posters", but things have been hectic.

I have been flying out to the west coast lately and since I have switched airlines I do not have status. This means that I am not Silver, Gold, Platinum, Executive Platinum, Super-duper upside down Jade, or anything. You see there are certain perks that come with elite status. Several of those perks include, priority boarding, priority seating, first-class upgrades and express lines through security. Now all of these are good points, but you are probably asking yourself what's the deal with priority seating. I have thought the same thing myself. Priority seating means that you will typically sit with other business travelers, if the plane is not full then you will have a seat between you and the other person, or if it is available you have first access to exit row. I never really thought it was that big of a deal about priority seating... UNTIL TODAY!

I was sitting in my row of 2 by myself (Seat 23B, I will never forget that number) this morning contemplating the work and sleep I was going to accomplish. In my own world, I didn't notice her until she is already upon me. This rather large lady walks past me with a small child (no more than 4 or 5 months old) and begins to struggle to put her carry-on in the overhead compartment. This rather nice lady begins to help her with the luggage and I think to myself "Great I get to sit in front of the screaming child". Oh how wrong I was! The lady who I swear was a samoan sumo wrestler says, "ecuse me sir, that's my seat". I think to myself, "Hell is now on Earth" That's right kids, I sat next to Jabba the Hut and her offspring for 3 and half hours.

After asking me to allow her to her seat, 45 minutes later Jabba gets herself wedged in her seat. The polite lady who helped her get her luggage loaded then offers Jabba a blanket to which I automatically realize is going to cause a problem. Jabba was at least 2 and half bills if not 3 hundy. So there is barely rooms for her hips (which were perfect for birthing... cattle) much less the 1/16 of an inch blanket doubled over. Immediately my seat is cut in half. The polite lady is now my mortal enemy!

There are certain games you learn to play on the airplane when jockeying for the armrest. Move your arm back to get behind the other persons arm. Gently nudge them to make them uncomfortable. If they go to the restroom, GAME OVER! Completely take over (more on this later). There was none of this. Her elbow was immediately in my rib cage.

As we sat there preparing to take off the baby began to squeal and play. She put her hand on my should as to say, "It's all going to be ok" or "You are now my bitch"... I am betting on the latter. The child was excited to be on the plane and let everyone know by shrilling at the top of her lungs! She also thought everything on my person was a toy. I frantically dig through my brief case... iPod! Found it. Put the head phones on and hit the Play button. NOTHING! Is this some sort of cruel joke? The iPod's battery is dead. My second thought is laptop. I have a few MP3's so if the banshee decides to let anymore blood curdling shrills loose then I will be able to muffle them with my melodies. I also reason that I can get some work done. If I can only make it to after take off!

At this time the captain comes over the intercom and has a happy and cheery tone telling us how great it is to be alive and how everything is wonderful. Note to self, "Stab pilot in neck with pen upon exiting the plane".

From the moment Jabba sat down, the baby began to squirm and everytime the child moved Jabba's elbow entrenched itself deeper between 3rd and 4th rib. Once we get to cruising altitude, I pull out my laptop in the hopes of getting a little work done and drowning out the squeals from Satan's spawn! I finally know what is meant by weaping and gnashing of teeth. I open the laptop and contort my body to a position that has only been seen in Cirque Du Soleil. The child in the middle seat across the row thought I was playing a game. I swear, Jabba began to consume her seat and my arm rest like the blob. I only realized that my body was contorted after I left my seat about an hour into the flight. I get up to go to the bathroom and receive a reprieve and realize that I now need a chiropractor. I come back to seat to realize that Jabba's arm is now not only in my chair, but one of her ginormous sausage-like feet is now in the middle of my foot space. I perch my left cheek on the seat and pray for a quick death.

The last hour of the flight, the portly pair began to nap and were not as quick to jab me in the ribs. All around it was a miserable flight, I need status, and I hate happy people.

Issues

2006-07-11T14:34:00.000-05:00

My blog is having serious issues today... trying to get it figured out.

Ok, Issues resolved... expect more to come

Update...

2006-07-06T16:01:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a while since I have updated everyone...

For right now... "Jerry this is George, I got nothing to say."

Maybe I'll have some time soon. I will be on the road for the next three months...

EVERY WEEK! MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY! My pint-sized better half is "Thrilled".

I do have one other nugget to add. Today my mom came to town with a friend of hers. They were returning a broken article to a distributor and asked if we wanted to have lunch. The day was not too busy, steady, but not break neck. So the Travel Size One and I met with my mom and her cohort for a "free" meal! Side Note: I love it when the "rentals" (short for Pa"rental" units, according to our apartment leasing agent.) want to have a meal with you. You can't pay. I have only paid for two meals for parents ever and I swear they still resent it. Hey, I am not complaining! It is just a fact you CANNOT pay! So my mom asked me where I wanted to go and being new to the area I decided to do what all human beings now do... I "Googled" it! Google maps brought up the area I was in and all restaurants available. About the third one I came across was a Churrascaria. For those of you not familiar, Churrascaria is this restaurant that has a salad buffet for starters and then they bring around skewers of meat. ALL YOU CAN EAT! I swear, I am still full. Upon returning to the office I deemed it "Heaven on a Plate"! I think I will open a Churrascaria and call it that. I was miserable for a good hour after gorging myself on delectable meats! If you have the opportunity I recommend you try your local Churrascaria! To actually cap this story off, I swear I wanted to pull a George Costanza and take a nap under my desk.

"Looks like I'm going to have to break out ol' Thunderbird"

2006-05-24T13:28:00.000-05:00

This was originally saved on May 24 th, but the ADD Kid (me) for got to publish it. Please donate to your local MHMR chapter to end such lapses of the mind (I will greatly benefit) .

Ok... So I may be borderline OCD, but I deal with it. I realize this flaw. Maybe it is just that need to be in control. I meet regularly with a guy on Wednesday mornings. We have been doing for over 4 years. We have met at a local coffee place, a national coffee chain, and another store of the same chain. Sadly, this regular occurence will be coming to an end as of June 1st. My new family will be moving to Big D. The upside to this is I will moving with my best friend and know that I have a good friend not too far away. Ok enough of the mush. Here is the story.

We have met for 4 + years on Wednesday mornings at 6:00... A.M. That's correct. We both get up before the sun (and 90% of humanity) and get ready for work to meet for coffee. The first year we did it out of a commitment to discipleship. The second year we did it as a commitment to accountability. The past 2 years we have done it purely because we enjoy hanging out with each other and realize that we see so closely together on so many topics that there is a good chance we were separated at birth... two years apart from one another. I am not sure how that could happen, but lets just play along. On this morning, our last time to officially meet, I didn't sleep in. I got up right when the alarm sounded and was getting dressed as quietly as possible so as not to awaken my travel-size better half from perfectly charming slumber. She is not insane enough to rise that early to sip java. I figured marrying her would help increase the collective I.Q. of my family's gene pool. Hopefully, when they inact the Minimum Intelligence Quotient Required for Procreation Act (or MIQRPA, seriously this belongs in a blog itself.) hers will be high enough to counteract my negative number.

I was about halfway into the throws of assembling my ensemble for the day when my beautiful better half looks up from a hazed slumber and says "are you late?" I glance at the clock and say "no, I have plenty of time". My mind then starts wondering... "Am I?" In my state of question, I look down at my watch to confirm that it is in fact 5:20 as the alarm clock states. My watch confirms my worst fears. It is in fact 6:20 and I am not nearly ready. My better half received an iHome for Christmas. It is an interesting device that allows a user to play his or her iPod on a platform that vaguely resembles the Bose Wave Radio. (I can just hear the Paul Harvey radio spot now) These days everything has an "i" in front of it. There is the iPod, iTunes, iGo, and iHome. What is next the iToilet. I can't even imagine the functionality behind the iToilet. Speaking of functionality, the iHome has everything:

Wake to iPod®, AM/FM Radio, or Buzzer
Removable dock inserts fit all docking iPods and charge your iPod while docked
Sleep to your iPod or AM/FM radio, with Programmable Sleep
Stereo drivers in our exclusive Reson8™ speakers deliver astounding clarity, depth, and power
Patch cord included to play shuffle/CDs
Gradual Wake and Gradual Sleep increase/decrease Alarm/Sleep volume
Multifunction LCD Display with adjustable backlighting

There is one little feature that they don't list:

The ability to "Spring forward" with the flip of a switch!

That's right ladies and gentlemen. Our society has become so lazy that our clocks are now coming with a toggle switch for daylight savings time, because hitting those two buttons is entirely too much physical exertion. Apparently, my better half was cleaning the night stand and the iHome fell off inadvertantly flipping the iHome back to Central Standard Time instead of Central Daylight savings Time. My poor wife felt so bad and it wasn't her fault. It was purely an accident perpetuated by the laziness of society (Trust me she didn't get the iHome because she is lazy). I then realized I was going to have to break out "Ol' Thunderbird". You see Ol' Thunderbird is Darth Vader black, has 6 buttons: Alarm 1, Alarm 2, Time Set, Snooze, Time down not so fast, and Time up ridiculously fast! The combination of these will allow you to set the desired time, schedule two different alarm settings, and program the alarm to play a fuzzied AM Radio station or a eardrum piercing, blaring, buzz that will indeed make the neighbors wet the bed. Together, this functionality has faithful awoken me for every early morning meeting I have ever made.

When Ol' Thunderbird was perched on patrol I know that there was slimmer chance I would screw that thing up. At least I know that if something was screwed up there was only me to blame. You didn't have to analyze the situation and realize that a design flaw was culprit. I could just chalk it up to good ol' fashioned stupidity.

I am becoming domestic

2006-05-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been three weeks since the Travel Size Better Half and I were married. I refuse to refer to events as anniversaries that are not truly celebrations of one year (365 days) passing. It really is a pet peeve of mine when someone say its our three month anniversary. There is no such thing! By definition, anniversary is The annually recurring date of a past event, especially one of historical, national, or personal importance: a wedding anniversary. It implies that at least one year must have passed. Now by all means refer to it as your Three-month-versary. By eliminating "anni" you eliminate the fallacy that a year has passed. Lesson over! Move on! (Not really sure where that spout of anger came from, but it felt good to release.) Since we have been living together, there are several tendencies that I have noticed which infer that I am becoming domestic. Here are just a few of the things I have noticed:

I feel compelled to say, "Honey, I'm home" upon walking in the door from the office.

I had a great time this past weekend... just cleaning house and packing.

I am now using "Color Treatment" shampoo when in the shower. (maybe that is a vain effort to keep my hair from turning gray. Not sure if it's working.)

I like doing chores.

I don't always have to be "dressed up" when I leave the house. Granted this is a little femme, but it's the truth!

I like going to bed early.

I don't mind stopping and picking stuff up on the way home. It is actually a joy to do so.

I am getting better about putting the toilet seat down and closing the shower curtain so that mildew does not build up. (Mildew build up. Who knew!)

I double-check to ensure I am washing unmentionables in the appropriate manner. (Apparently, they make these little mesh bags that you can use to put your bras and panties in so... umm... never mind).

There are no doubt two schools of thought after reading this post:

Ladies: Where can I get such a great guy like this one. Well I am sorry, but they broke the mold after I popped out. No seriously, when you meet that certain someone and make it official there are these little chips that you can buy. They are easily injected into the brain and cause no pain. Wait until your spouse is asleep and perform the injection then. He won't even know what hit him and you will have yourself a perfect man.

Men: Come on Nancy, don't be such a pansy!

Aloha Beaches!

2006-05-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

Yes, it has been over a month since I have posted anything, but I have been a little busy. Where do I start??? Oh yeah I got married! That's right baby! The Traveler is officially (and legally) off the market. The short, short version. I said I do. She said I do. I cried like a school boy bitch, and she didn't shed a tear. In all seriousness, which is rare on this blog, it was a wonderful event which we were very blessed to share with our dearest friends and family.

Now you are asking “what does the title mean?” After the nuptials my Travel Size Bride (no longer 't0-be') and I stowed away in First Class to the beautiful island of Maui (via Los Angeles). Random moment of the trip: Running into a former member of the singles ministry and his wife in LAX. Back to the story. We leave Houston at 2:30 PM and arrive in Maui at 8:45 PM (or 1:45 AM CDT). You can do the math. Originally we were supposed to be in at approx 4:30 PM, but The Airline changed our flight. In all my genius, I decide to book a bicycle tour down Haleakala (which I sware is Hawaiian for big mountain providing opportunity for all to break limbs). Essentially, we had to get up at 1:30 AM and drive (what everybody said would be an hour and a half drive) from our B & B to this little place called Haiku (which is Hawaiian for "suckas this drive only takes 45 minutes"). Needless to say we were REAL early and could have slept another hour! We then took an hour and a half van ride guided by a local up to the top of this dormant volcano. The whole way up, he gave interesting tidbits about the volcano and Hawaii. Stuff like the first settlers to Hawaii brought rats by accident, and all the rats (which are apparently as big as subway rats in New York) began to eat all of the indigenous bird eggs, pushing many of those birds to extinctions or endangering them. Someone did a study and took a mongoose and a rat and put them in a cage together, and the mongoose tore the rat apart. Pretty cool, but wait there's more. Come to find out they didn't do enough research and it turns out that the rat is nocturnal and the mongoose is not. So just as the mongoose is going to bed, the rat is just getting up to prowl. DOH! Now the islands are not only overpopulated by rats but mongooses as well (I couldn't decide if mongeese or mongooses was right so let us go with mongooses). I may get back to these guys in another post. I am running out of time.

Once we arrived at the top of Haleakala, we went to this scenic look out and watched the sunrise. Very beautiful!! If you ever have the chance to go to Maui, take this little trip! It is well worth it. It is absolutely freezing up there so bring a sweat shirt... and long underwear... and a sub-zero parka... and eskimo clothing... you get the point. After a most glorious sunrise, our guide took us to the bottom of the park and fitted us with mountain bikes. Apparently if you aren't appropriately fitted bad things can happen especially to the fellas! We then proceeded to ride down-hill for 27 miles. That's right 27 miles. Eat your heart out Lance Armstrong (Granted Armstrong rides up hill and ours really was down-hill). We had an absolute blast.

The next day (Tuesday), because we are gluttons for punishment, we woke up at 4:30 in the morning and got on another plane to go to Oahu. You ask, "what kind of a moron goes on vacation and then runs himself and his pint sized better half ragged?" I answer, "This kind of moron!" Now granted this may seem like a lot of "work" for a vacation, but after our trip to Oahu all was litterally relaxed. You ask, "Why in the world would two people go to paradise and not be satisfied enough to stay but rather get on another plane to go to another island?" I answer, "Because one of the two is a huge history nut (I mean the kind that checks the History channel right after checking all 20 sports channels nuts), and would not be able forgive himself if he did not take advantage of being less than 100 miles away from one of the most historic battles in American history." That's right. Pearl Harbor! My Travel Size Better Half had been to Oahu on family vacations before. The Travel Size Father-in-law is apparently as big of a history nerd as the Traveler (I am in good company). She has been there and done that. Not as monumental for her. For me though, I was in awe. There were models and mock ups and soldiers and replicas and my head just exploded. One of the most awesome things was the ability to go out to the actual resting place of the Arizona. This was seriously one of the most solemn occasions of my life. It had to rank right up there with The Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (Between 7th and 8th grade). I, to this day, remember that very vividly almost 15 years later. This ranked right up there with that! Two observations from that day:

There seemed to be a lot of Japanese visitors at the memorial that day.
I saw several occasions where Caucasian visitors were cheerfully taking pictures while on the Arizona.

I have to admit until writing this post I was somewhat miffed by both. As I was pondering the first of these two situations, I came to realize that I had no reason to be upset about it. After seeing as many Japanese visitors as I did the thought crossed my mind, "How dare you come to this tomb, this place of mourning, this place of rememberance and trod around as though it were some tourist location". Then it came to me as I was thinking through this post. These people were probably not involved in the war. Even the oldest person there may have been, but may not have been engaged. This however was not the thought that changed my mind. What actually turned my thought pattern was the idea that these people were affected by the United States retribution on Japan after the attack on Pearl Harbor. This was the first known use of a weapon of mass destruction in the world. They had nothing to do with the attack on Pearl Harbor, other than being Japanese citizens, yet they reaped the whirl wind that came about because of the decision of a few.

The second set of people should be ashamed. I normally don't get on a soap box, but to see how some trample upon the memory of what will be known as "The Greatest Generation" is apalling. I guess my issue is that if you want to have some "Hey look where I am having a good time" photos taken go to a luau, or a helicopter ride, or Bubba Gump Seafood. Don't do it on a memorial of brave soldiers who died while defending my country. Shameful! Purely shameful!

These were only the first two days on Maui. I may come back to it at a later time when the creative juices are more readily flowing but for now, "Rack'em, I'm out"!

Oh Captain, My Captain

2006-04-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

In approximately 16 days I will be marrying a wonderful (Travel Size) woman. We are both excited over the fact that we will be starting our life together and can't wait for both the joys and trials of marriage. Indeed, an exciting time!

She will be receiving her Medical Doctorate approximately a month later. Upon receiving this, we will be "Traveling" to "Big D" for at least the next 3 years in order for her to perform her pediatric residency. Upon receipt of said Medical Doctorate she will become Dr. "Traveler". A development has been brought to my attention. We will be Dr. and Mr. "Traveler". It's not a bad thing just different. My Travel Size Better-half (future) is very gracious and an awesome woman. She has stated that socially she will be Mrs. "Traveler" and we will be "Mr. and Mrs. Traveler". However, anytime we receive a formal invitation or are announced formally it will be "Dr. and Mr. Traveler".

So here is my solution! In Anoka County, Minnesota I can actually receive a canoe license. Different canoe lengths have different license fees, but I figure that a 6-foot canoe license should suffice. I have concluded once I receive my 6-foot certification we will have to be announced or referred to as Cpt. and Dr. "Traveler". That's right! I'll be Captain "Traveler". I like it!

Random Thoughts from yesterday:

Sharon Stone is the Greek translation for Dirty Pirate Hooker.

A tank of gas for my car is the equivalent of four crack rocks (or so I've heard).

When the Travel Size one and I have kids we can give them all canoes for their 5th birthday. You know, sort of a right of passage. At this point, I will receive a promotion Captain to Admiral (Since I will have a fleet). Then it will be Admiral and Doctor Traveler.

I am tired of the Conversion

2006-04-04T15:50:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a while since my last post but let's just say it has been a busy hectic month!

The wedding is approaching
A client in Canada with more responsibilities
Moving to big "D"

It has been a crazy time. You read my title and probably think I am recanting my faith. Nope! I am just tired of having to convert everything. Gallons to Liters. Miles to Kilometers. Canadian Dollar to U.S. Dollar. My least favorite (or favourite) is Celsius to Fahrenheit. When you hear someone say that it is going to be 10 degrees outside you think holy crap that is cold. Nope. Put on your t-shirt it is gonna be a scorcher!

Well my month started with having to get on a plane and head for the land of the moose. I am not sure if that is the actual nickname for the country to our north, but it is on this blog. It's not a bad country, Canada. The only issue I had with Mooseland was that I had to be there instead of at the Travel Sized Bride-to-be's AOA banquet. For the other two people that read this blog that are not named Travel Size, AOA is Alpha Omega Alpha Medical Student Honor Society. My pint-sized better half was inducted into it on March 7. She will definitely carry the brains on to our children. I like to travel, don't get me wrong. See different parts of the world. It is actually pretty exciting, but this was one trip that I really didn't want to make because my bride-to-be was being honored (honoured in Mooseland) and I was stuck in a country where everyone was all "aboot Molson 5.0".

I do have one beef with The Airline. I flew three legs with them to Mooseland and twice I was stuck on an airplane the size of a pack of gum. Read my post about first class etiquette. Everybody is First-Class on these flights. It is a three and a half hour flight and I would rather make the flight on a Radio Flyer. One tip to anyone who has to travel to "O' Canada" right before spring break. Don't go. March 10th was the Friday before this most joyous occasion and also the day that I had to return home. I barely found a flight out of there. I got stuck on an Air Canada flight which of course I am not status on so I had no perks. I couldn't even checkin before the flight. I got to the airport 2 hours before my flight. I am not kidding, it was like retards at the petting zoo. I have never seen so many morons in one big cluster.

The wedding is now just 18 days away. It seems like it has been forever. I had lunch with a friend of mine today and he said, “you’ll wake up the day after and think ‘wow that blew by’”. I am sure he’s right! I can’t wait… well I can, but I don’t want to.

Another note of change is that we’ll (The Travel Sized One and I) be moving to Big D! I can’t believe that is going to happen. We are both excited! We can’t wait to start our life together there, but we hate to leave the community we have called home for so long!

Anyways, I have no more witty banter. Maybe tomorrow’s meeting with my buddy will be fodder for more witticisms.

Can I get those Muscle Relaxers and Vicodin to go?

2006-02-24T13:56:00.000-06:00

I mentioned yesterday that I had a little back problem. I have had this happen before. Basically, I go to bed with worries on my mind and sleep so restlessly that I pull my back out. Nice. I feel like an old man.

So yesterday afternoon I decided to go to the Doctor. There is a Kelsey-Seybold right around the corner from where I live so I figure why not. I show up for my appointment and am called back to the waiting room where the nurse checks my temperature and blood pressure. I stand on the scale and realize quickly that it is a little off. (That's just my way of saying it appears I am a little heavier on that scale than my own. I like mine better!) No biggie. I am fill out a questionnaire about smoking. It is very odd. I have never had to fill one out before. Then this cute little medical student comes into the room. She asks me why I am there and all the "usual" questions. She kind of flirts with me which on any normal occasion would odd, but after the week I have had it was nice to know I still had it. Ya know. I still have a little game left. She steps out and assures me that she will return with the doctor. This little hottie returns with the doctor and she gives me a check up. Prescribes some Vicodin and Muscle relaxers! Woo hoo! I love party favors when you leave the doctors office (if I am a little random in this post, chalk it up to the Vicodin).

Anyways, the doctor steps out to go to another patient and the medical student walks over and kisses me on the mouth. I have been to the doctor all of my life, but I have NEVER had service like that before! I have to confess! I really, really enjoyed it! As she walked out she announced that she doesn't do that for all of her patients. Which made me feel pretty good.

I have to be honest I had a dichotomy of feelings running through my head. On one side, it was somewhat strange to have The Travel Size One doing a check up on me. I commented to her that it would probably be equally weird for her to see me when I am in front of a client. On the other side, it was pretty sexy to see her in her white coat scribbling out a prescription for me. It's the little things. It really is!

Would someone please kick my dog?

2006-02-23T10:04:00.000-06:00

I am not much of a complainer. Most of what people think to be complaining is more my sense of humor being express towards stupidity (either of my own or of someone elses). Sometimes I come across as being pessimistic or even sardonic, but that is just me. I am in fact neither of the two in the quiet. I don't normally complain...

However this week has SUCKED! There have been arguments, reneged promises, and a knot in my back from sleeping restlessly because of the previous two. So my question is "Can someone kick my dog?" That would make the week complete. Now granted I don't have a dog, but if I did that would be the Coups de grace to an otherwise absolutely crummy week! Argh!!!! Tension breaker: had to be done. I don't really feel like going into details. Maybe later.

I'm out.

I almost died this morning...

2006-02-21T08:43:00.000-06:00

Actually, I didn't even get injured.

Alright... I was not even in harms way.

Ok! I was frightened and almost soiled myself!

So I was out for a jog this morning and I was on my normal route that I run when I am going 8 miles. If you are not familiar with The City, there are good parts and bad parts (just like any other city I suppose). I live in one of the good parts and have seldom been scared or gun shy when running at 5:00 AM. Along my routes (there are several because they are different distances and it gets boring running the same thing over and over) there are bus stops for the Metro Bus that transfers people from point A to point B all over The City. This morning I was running past one of the bus stops that I pass every time I run this route. When all of a sudden from out of no where this dark wraith appears ready to assail me and send me to meet my maker (actually he was a dark skinned African-American gentleman wearing a nice jacket and tie who smiled at me brightly, but I didn't see him at first and he scared me). I battled him off using all of my cunning and continued my run (I ran off feeling pretty stupid).

As I continued my jaunt in the wee hours of the morning, I came across the second assailant. He attempted to take me out with a flying body throw but I was able to dodge his flailing mass with my cat-like reflexes. Ok reality check. It was another runner and I was in "My World" pondering God knows what when I almost ran into him. I didn't see him at first, and I was running on the wrong side of the track unless you are James Bond when all of a sudden I realize there is a person coming at me. I quickly side step barely missing him and apologizing at the same time (I multitask too).

My third attacker used the Screeching Howl of Death in an attempt to overcome me. My sub-sonic speed kicked in and I was able to out run the sound waves before succumbing to them. In reality this van was turning into a parking lot where I was running on the side walk. He was apparently miffed at the fact that he actually had to slow down and wait for a pedestrian to cross a sidewalk in a manner according to the law. So as I continue my run he yells out of his window "Hey!!" in a startling manner trying to scare me. Well it work! I have actually had people do that to me before. I can't believe people actually get their kicks by scaring runners. This must be some kind of redneck sport. Maybe it will be in the Olympics next time right after curling. I can just see the rules: 1)The yeller must have no more than 6 of his or her own teeth remaining. 2) The jogger must be unsuspecting. 3) If the jogger does not crap him or herself the yeller will be eliminated (These are the things I think about when I run).

Mind you this all happened with in the first three miles of my jog. The last 5 were fairly acrimonious.

The Psychologist, The Redneck, The Hippie, and The Cult Leader: Lessons in First Class Etiquette

2006-02-17T09:25:00.000-06:00

Sounds like the beginning of a good joke? Right? If only it were a joke! These were my traveling cohorts for my flight to Tampa.

There is certain a code one must abide by when traveling First Class. As often as I fly and at the odd times when I fly I typically get “bumped up” to First Class so I have become a master of First Class Etiquette. If you happen to fly in what I like to call the Holy of Holies of air transportation (notice that little curtain which separates the Gentiles from The Chosen) follow these guidelines and you won’t err.

1) Act like you never fly anything else.

I walk up to the mass of people huddling around the check in carpet and strike up small talk (“This flight is always late”, “Are you coming or going”, etc.) with the other people waiting to board first. This is where I meet the Psychologist and the Cult Leader. The Psychologist says he is heading home and The Cult Leader proclaims she is headed cross country to her other house. The Cult Leader is standing nearest the entry way (she wanted it known that she was OBVIOUSLY first in line). This elderly couple walks up (well he walked, she rolled) to prepare for early boarding. Regardless if you fly first or not, you will not board first. The people with special needs will be boarding first. At this point the Cult Leader proclaims that she has something better than a wheel chair. She has a First class ticket! If you have a first class ticket there is no need to announce it. People see you get on the plane. They know! This rule also applies to in flight. Don’t make statements like “Wow I have my own phone and T.V. and don’t order a bunch of drinks just because they are complimentary.

2) Don’t tell people your life story. If we wanted a biography we’d buy one in the airport book store (of course we’d pay twice the normal going rate, but that’s another story)

The Hippie and the Redneck were in gross violation of this rule. We are standing in the mass of pre-boarding people and the Redneck walks up and casually says he is a “Yankee” Louisianan because he is from north Louisiana. Now granted he was talking to other people from Louisiana, but the rest of us don’t care. At this point we are about to board and a gentleman who had been waiting to the side walks over and leans up against the divider. The Cult Leader informs him that she is in fact “First in line” and she will “bowl him over” if he thinks he’s cutting (See Rule 3). I think to myself, “Dear Lord this is going to be a LONG flight! I hope I am not sitting next to any of them!” My luck held true. I end up sitting next to the Psychologist, who turned out to be a nice guy. He casually asked The Hippie about his flight arrangements. The Hippie was much more grandiose about his story. He talked about how he was coming back from Bangkok and how much trouble there was to be found in Bangkok. The poor Psychologist looks at me and talks about not being able to listen to his music because the hippie won’t stop talking.

3) Act Civil: Remember you are sitting in First Class. You are better than the plebs in the bourgeois (after all you probably didn’t pay for the seat but got upgraded).

I realized that the Cult Leader was a cult leader when she asked the Psychologist if he needed a dictionary to figure out any of the words in the book he was reading. He of course politely declined (I believe he was reading a Tom Clancy Novel or something to that effect). The Cult Leader then whips a full size dictionary out of her bag of magic potions. My first thought is “Who the hell makes room for a full on Webster’s dictionary”, but I digress. The Cult Leader then explains that she is reading a book about the mind. The Psychologist makes another grievous error asking the Cult Leader if it is Psychology or Neurology. The Cult Leader says neither but in fact she is reading about the “truth”. She then hands the book across the aisle to the Psychologist and he asks her if she is into Scientology. She affirms that she is and that the book is about modern medicines errors of Electro-shock therapy. The Psychologist hands it back to her and says he prefers fiction, adding “not this is non-fiction”. I thought “wow! Score one for the Psychologist”. At this point I put my headphones on and began praying“Dear Lord, make this plane go faster!” and "Please don't allow me to get off the plane with a desire to drink Schlitz Malt Liquor, wear a peace sign, lay on a couch and bare my soul, or call this lady Mother."

Unfortunately on my way back from Tampa I didn't get the "Bump". I sat on the run way for an hour and a half next to two people who were not nearly far enough away from each other on the family tree to be married to one another.

The Adventures of Butt Crack Girl and Granola

2006-01-30T09:06:00.000-06:00

The Travel Size One and I were at The Deli this past Saturday. It is one of our favorite eateries since we have been on the LGN Diet. This location of The Deli is in more of a liberal part of town right near one of the best universities in the nation. There are all kinds there: Yuppies, Hippies, Snobs, Prof's, and us. I don't know that we really fall into any of these categories, so we'll just refer to ourselves as "Watchers". We both are people watchers by nature and believe me it is hard enough being A.D.D. as it stands. People watching is always more enjoyable in a very diverse crowd. Sometimes being a "Watcher" can be to your disadvantage. This Saturday was one of the prime examples.

We go through the line at The Deli and I grab a table. I find one that is not in the middle of all the traffic, but it's not secluded. Perfect for people watching! We sit down, positioning ourselves so as to be in the prime spot. Let the watching begin! These two girls, I assume are college students based on age, attire, and demeanor, sit down at the table in front of us. They are clearly in the "Hippie" group. One (Granola) is going on and on about something and complaining. I think to myself this will be great fodder for discussion between the Travel Size Bride-to-be and I. I glance out of the side of my eye and to my astonishment, I see the other one's butt crack peering over the waistline of her jeans(Butt Crack Girl or BCG is what she will now be known as)! BCG was wearing a pair of the low cut jeans with a t-shirt that apparently had shrunk in the wash a little too much to her ignorance. Honestly, there was ABSOLUTELY nothing erotic or attractive about this sight. It was more like Ralph the plumber! I subtly point the visible vertical smile to my Travel Size Better half (future) and having seen the color withdraw from my face she asks if I want to move. We find a table that is not nearly as prime for people watching, but we will not be staring down the gun barrel of Mother Nature.

Lunch moves on. I suddenly begin to wonder, "Are other people's butt crack protruding?" I begin to scan the room. Was I missing something? It felt like that scene from Back to the Future 2 when Marty has to pull the insides of his jean pockets out because that's "the style". Am I missing out on the new fad? Should I loosen my belt a little? You know show the World what I got? My Travel Size Love sees someone whom she is vaguely acquainted with through med school sitting at a table with another med student of the opposite sex diverting my attention from my current train of thought. She tells me that she didn't even know they were dating. I thought maybe they were studying together. Back to my mental quandary. She asks me to nonchalantly peek and see if the young lady is wearing an engagement ring. I explain that I am unable to view her left 5 digits and that I will inform her as soon as I am aware. This snaps me back to reality. Here my Travel Size Bride-to-be is wondering if two people are thinking about the spending the rest of their lives together and I am wondering if bare buttocks are the new black. I then realize that this is pure insanity to even consider.

As we walk out of The Deli, I become very self conscientious. Do I have butt crack showing? I gently give a tug to the old belt loops and verify that my waist restraint is snug. Better to be safe than sorry. I will not be the third wheel in the dynamic duo of Butt Crack Girl and Granola. I think I would look silly in spandex.

I flopped the nuts

2006-01-28T09:15:00.000-06:00

Poker has taken the nation by storm. My theory is it's genesis came from a movie made in the late 90's called Rounders. It's a story about a guy who funds his way through law school by playing poker. Now he doesn't just play in weekend games with his buddies. He plays in the underground, illegal, get your legs broke by Guido, games. He is a straight shooter and a pretty good guy, but he lets his conniving friend talk him into things that would not happen in reality. Hey, it's a movie. It has a ton of quotable lines like, "Gimmie three stacks of high society." (1 stack would be $10,000 you do the math), "No-Limit Texas Hold'Em is the caddilac of poker.", "I flopped the nut strait.". and my favorite of all time "Listen, here's the thing, if you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.". I won't give the end away, but it is definitely in my Top Ten.

Last night, I had one of the grandest and yet maddening dreams. I dreamed that I was playing poker (The Cadillac of Poker) in an unknown casino somewhere! I sat down at this blood-match with a million dollars (I have no idea why I had that much money, but it's my dream). So I ante in and draw my cards from the dealer. For those of you who don't know how to play Texas Hold'em, buy a book. The basic premise is you receive two cards from the dealer and there are rounds of betting. You play your two cards and five community (everyone else can play these as well) cards to make the best hand possible. I take a look at my cards (Ace, 9). Nothing spectacular but I call. Well the lady across the table is there with her husband. She is very boisterous and quite annoying. Not sure if she had been drinking or what, but again this was a dream! So the flop comes out and its a Jack and two nines. I check the bet (basically add no money and provide the other people an opportunity to check to get to another card or open the betting). So the lady starts talking smack. She talks about how I don't have a good hand or I would have bet on the flop (Little does she know). She then gets belligerent and starts telling me how she is going to teach me how to win a million dollars playing poker (insinuating she is going to take my bank roll). So she opens with a hundred thousand dollars and I call. The fourth card (fourth street, turn) comes out and its a 9. So I just made a four of a kind. For those of you not aware, there are only three hands that can beat my hand (Four of a kind with a higher card, Straight Flush, and Royal Flush). I am pretending like the 9 on fourth street didn't help me (acting weak). I start counting my chips (even though I know exactly how many I have). I want to make this obnoxious broad sweat a little!

I am getting ready to make my move.

Calculating!

Waking up???

Wait???

What happened!

I woke up. I was about to move all in and woke up! I actually laid there trying to force myself back into a slumber. I tried pressing my body down into the bed hoping this would force me back to my surreal condition. No luck. I was so frustrated. I wasn't so perturbed by the fact that I didn't get to put the old harpy in her place. It was more vexxing to not know! It will torment me to not know if I had the best hand. It will trouble me to not know what was the fifth card. Argh... So I got up and ran 8 miles (and then found $20. Not really, but that's what you're suppose to say when you realize your story isn't that great!).

They Cheered for Pork

2006-01-26T22:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight the Travel Size Bride-to-be and I were watching "The Network" before dinner. The annoying wannabe cajun was making gumbo. He was conveying the differences in gumbo and how to make a "roux" (I am sure my friend The Accountant will correct me on that spelling). The wannabe cajun was extolling the virtues of vegetable gumbo versus I guess you'd call it non-vegetable gumbo. He then exclaimed to the crowd he was adding pork and this was not vegetable gumbo. The crowd cheered. That's right! The crowd cheered! I had no idea pork was applause-worthy.

So here is my thought. I have some Hot Pockets in the fridge. If anyone wants to come over I will throw them in the microwave exclaim "Bam" and you can all clap. The name of my show could be "2 minute 30 second meals". They cheered for pork. I am still amazed by this fact. Pork??? Really???

What the heck do they know?

2006-01-25T07:53:00.000-06:00

I was tasked last night with picking up the Travel Size One at The Airport (that could be an entire post in itself!). We were in the car traveling from The Airport and this song by Papa Roach called Scars came on. The song for those of you who don't partake of the Papa Roach has a very driving beat and shows a very intense passion. Now, I have found that there are two types of people in this world. Those who listen to the words, and those who don't. I am on the "those who don't" side. I listen to the music. The guitar riffs. The bass lines. The drums. I experience music for the sound. I don't always pay attention to the words that the singer is singer. This in turn means I may listen to a song with "questionable" lyrics, but it has a great beat! My Travel Size Bride-to-be is of "listen to the words" persuasion. So there are times we are listening to a song and she says "How can you listen to this garbage?" I typically respond, "What do you mean? This has a great beat!" (She says..., he hears...)

So we were listening to Scars... complete side bar: At one point in the past we were listening to this song in the car and I was singing the lyrics... "The stars remind us the past is real." You'll see below that that the line is in fact, "My scars remind me that the past is real". Hey, the stars can remind of stuff? Huh? Right? Anyone? <-drowning->

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Back to the point... So were listening to Scars on the way to the Travel Size Better Half's (future) house and she brings up the fact that she thinks that Kidz Bop included this song on there latest album. For those of you not familiar with Kidz Bop (Please don't question why I am) it is set of CD's similar to the "NOW" CD's. They take current top 40 pop music hits and allow ankle biters to sing the songs (Why in the world anybody would want to listen to that crap is beyond me. I remember getting older and listening to the little musicals we performed in grade school and thinking my parents were the greatest in the world because they endured that assault on the auditory nerve). This conversation got me to thinking... "No way someone could make children sing this song. The lyrics are pretty intense" So I Googled. I found a website that is selling the Kidz Bop CD's. THERE ARE NINE CD'S! NINE! So I got to searching. I couldn't find any of the CD's that had Scars on the playlist, but I was amazed at some of the songs they DID include!

Don't Lie (Black Eyed Peas)

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you ought to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
F...ing with your heart like I was the predator I assume this was edited out of the Kidz bop Version but still!
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

Not nearly as good of a song when the kiddies are singing it huh? Kids shouldn't be telling lies anyway! There are more...

We Belong Together (Mariah Carey)

Who them and their parents?

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams (Green Day)

Shouldn't they be trying to figure out how to get to Sesame Street?

Incomplete (BackStreet Boys)

What is? Their baseball card collection?

Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day)

Most of them have only had 6 Septembers, how can they know a bad one (Thank you sweetie)

1985 (Bowling For Soup)

Most of them weren't alive in 1985

Toxic

Are you kidding me????

Feel Good, Inc (Gorillaz)

I am not even going there!

It's humorous to me when I think of some of the people who write these songs and the "tragedies" they must suffer when their assistants don't get them the right Latte first thing in the morning (and by first thing I mean when they roll out of bed around noon). But come on! These kids are singing some of these songs and all I can think is "What the heck do they know?". They shouldn't be thinking about being "Toxic" or traveling down any Boulevard much less the one of broken dreams.

M.O.T.P.

2006-01-22T15:42:00.000-06:00

This last Friday The Travel Size Better Half (future) and I decided to have dinner at her house. That afternoon, she asked if I wanted to stop and pick up a movie and maybe a bottle of wine before I came over. We could have a Date Night! I thought why not. So I got off a little early, but had to get on a call for the client. No biggie. After the call I went up stairs and did my pampering (Which consists of showering, shaving, and styling my hair with product). She called me as I was in the shower and not able to answer my phone (for obvious reasons). So I returned her call and she asked me to give her a call when I got to The Video Store. At first I was offended. My taste in movies is exceptional! As I am writing this I thought about including spraying on a couple squirts of Sex Panther as part of my pampering (for all you Anchorman fans. See I have good taste in movies!) before our romantic encounter. Then the reality hit me (and by that I mean she expressed it to me) that my sometimes taste for "Romantic" movies would undoubtedly be sour and could cause some friction. Never good!

So I decided I would be prepared. I got on the The Video Store's Website and clicked on the Romance section (Which is four links below the "Gay/Lesbian" section and just above the Sci-fi section). Listen to what they give me to work with. The Notebook (Somebody please stick a fork in my eye and twist it slowly while poring salt on an open paper cut). Life or Something like it (I would rather be circumsized at the age of 27 with a dull, rusty razor). Titanic (Give me cancer now! Actually Titanic wouldn't be so bad without the whole love story. I love history and that whole scenario is fascinating to me.). Cold Mountain (Hey, Hey, Hey, here something I can work with. Civil War. A love story. Intertwined. How bad could it be.) So I am pumped. I now have a backup. I take off on my adventure to find an appropriate movie for our romantic night together. I get to The Movie Store and start my search (all the while my back up Cold Mountain is waiting patiently). Of course, I call the Better Half (future) to negate any possibility of conflict. I start through the New Release Section. Dukes of Hazard??? Negatory good buddy! Hustle and Flow??? Nah. Lord of War??? Negative. March of the Penguins. I hear a sharp shrill of excitement in my phone that could turn bats away from the city. That is my clue that we will be watching March of the Penguins (M.O.T.P.) tonight. So I grab M.O.T.P. and head to the counter. As I get there I see Cold Mountain. Hey why not. So I pick it up and call The Travel Size Bride-to-be back and inform her I will be renting Cold Mountain as well to which she replies "Maybe we can watch that if we feel like it". Rough Translation: "You'll be watching that by yourself while I am in Denver this week. (I will get to this in a bit)"

So I conclude my purchase and head for the Wine Store. I typically like to make my wine selections at the Taj Mah Liquor in Downtown, but I was strapped for time so I decided to stop by this little neighborhood package store (Right near a Baptist Church. Nice!). I walk in to this little market to find a decent selection of wines. I am looking for a Petite Syrah and the gentleman behind the corner eagerly shows me his selection. I deduce there is an option of a Syrah and a Petite Syrah to which I inquire with my new found connoisseur of wine as to the difference in a Syrah and Petite (I meant taste-wise) to which he responds Petite Syrah grapes are smaller than Syrah grapes. Simply stunning! I realize at that point I could ask him advice about my stock portfolio and would get an equally informed decision. He shows me the Stags "Reap" (See my previous post) and I decide this will be an exceptional choice base on previous experiences with the same vintner of different varietals.

I arrive at the Travel Size One's house to find her practicing the culinary arts. It smells delectable. We have a lovely Mexican Style chicken with Mexican rice and refried beans (Mouth is watering as I reminiscing). She is quite the cook! The dinner is scrumptrulescent and the vino complements it well. After dinner and dishes we decide to commence the viewing of M.O.T.P. (this is where the acronym was birthed).

Let me give some history. At one point in our courtship I informed the Travel Sized Better Half (future) that I wanted an entourage (you know like a hip-hop artist) for pure comedic relief. We were at Moody Gardens at the time and I interjected that a penguin would be cool to have in my entourage. I mean he is already dressed for all formal occasions and chicks dig them. Penguins are just cool! I would also have a Koala Bear, a Panda, a Midget, and my buddy The Accountant (Who'd be in your entourage?).

Spoiler Warning!!!

That being said we get into the movie. You guessed it I determine Penguins are one of the coolest creatures on this planet. The basic premise of this movie is that penguins walk over 70 miles in the Arctic climate to mate and procreate. Let me qualify that. They walk and then sometimes glide on their stomachs over the ice. How freakin' cool would that be if when we were tuckered out we could just drop to our bellies and keep on truckin'! If you ever see a guy on the side of the road that looks like a sea lion floundering about, just keep driving. I'll be ok! Back to our story. So basically they head to this point (The same point every year where there are no markers, there is just some innate sense of direction that leads them there) and find another penguin of the opposite sex. They then do some sort of little mating ritual and there are actually "cat" fights over the men because there are fewer. At this point in the movie my Travel Size Bride-to-be looks at me and says "I know this is supposed to be rated G, but they look like they are getting frisky". I laugh so hard that I miss the next 4 minutes and 25 seconds of the movie. Once I gain control I get back into the movie. The birds, once selection is done, "lay" an egg and then do something that I had no idea happened in any species! The female penguin face the male penguin and they slowly and carefully pass the unhatched egg to the male. The egg is perched on the female's claws and she gently but quickly passes it to the male (if it stays exposed to the Antarctic conditions for very long the egg will not survive. Sad but true). Once the male has the egg on his claws he then basically squats on it covering it with his fur.

This is the part that gets me. The females leave! The just take off! Well they don't just take off. They go back to where the herd came from and procure food while the males stay at "The Place" and huddle together freezing their... never mind... off. This lasts for approximately 120 days. They just stand there in a huddle with little water and no food waiting on the egg to hatch and the females to return to feed the chicks. One of the most amazing parts is that the females arrive back at "The Place" within a day or so of the eggs hatching to provide nourishment. If you ask me it is a good example of God's design. Overall it was a very interesting method. Well except for the part about the dudes getting the shaft. That's never a good thing.

Date night was successful! We had a wonderful time and there is really no tie to my Travel Size Better half (future) into this entry except she is on a flight to Denver for an interview. I know she will do awesome and completely blow them away. This is just my way of realizing how much I miss her and I can't wait to see her smiling face again! Maybe we can have another fun date night!

They can't say "L" (My Traver Size Rife)

2006-01-20T13:44:00.000-06:00

This post was inspired by The Not-So-Travel-Size Sister-in-Law (Future) latest blog "Someone's About to Get Shanked". She laments over her cognitive psychology professor who is Japanese and apparently has trouble with his Engrish (that's right). Now don't get me wrong. I am not trying to be racist or eritest (elitest) but it is a fact that when certain curtures (cultures) rearn (learn) Engrish they have a difficult if not impossible time using certain letters in our alphabet. Basically they can't say "L". This phenomenon has really puzzled me recently.

Everyone know's the joke

"What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?" Answer: Ilene!

"What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other?" Answer: Irene!

Think about it if you use it in common language every day it would be maddening! There is a street in The City that is named Stella Link. Everytime I drive by it I think "Sterra Rink". Often times I will call the Travel Size Bride-to-be and say "Herro"! (Always good for a chuckle) The Title of my blog would be "My Traver Size Rife". Basically any word that the "eL" pronunciation is evident then this is applicable. Take the last word in my last sentence (applicable), I was on a call for The Company with a team in South East Asia and this lady kept referring to something as not being "appricable". I was like a 5 year old who just heard his first poopie joke! I couldn't stop laughing. I actually had to mute my phone and duck my head down in my cube. I was laughing so hard I snarfed (sneeze + barf + past tense = Snarfed) Diet Coke through my nose. The unintentional comedy was so high that it was immeasurable.

Overall, my question is this: Why? Why do certain ethnic groups have this quirk? Which groups are incruded? Is there some strand of DNA that is missing that geneticarry cause dis issue (I have also noticed that "Th" becomes "D" and plural words become singular)? Is it contagious? Would people be offended if I just started speaking as so and then claim my father's, brother's, cousin's, step-brother was Asian? These are the things I think about.

You better guard that titty...

2006-01-17T08:43:00.000-06:00

There is a fascination today with breasts. I am not talking about chicken breast or even women's breasts (this fascination has been around as long as man). I am talking about men's breast. It seems recently that they are the hot topic of conversation. The Sister (non-Travel Size) gave The Father (also non-Travel Size) a book for Christmas titled "Why do Men have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini" (It's actually a good book. Vessy interesting!). Complete side-bar: There is a CD Audio book available on The Books Website. How does someone read that book aloud and not convulsively laugh just after reading the title? My favorite morning syndicated sports talk show was discussing the infamous Superbowl Nipple-gate of yore (ala Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson) and how this year with the Rolling Stones performing there would be no shocking controversy. They did guarantee that we would see Keith Richards' Nipular Region. There are also a plethora of jokes about Mitties, Moobies, Man-titties, and Breasticles. Why is this so? Why are men's' breasts such a focal point of humor? Why are they so humorous? What would we look like with out nipples? I suspect it would be like a car without headlights.

So the Travel Size Better Half (future) and I were driving to The Church the other day and I was doing something in my normal manner that could be construed as annoying or even picking when my sweet Bride-to-be finally gets fed up with my constant bombardment and exclaims "You better guard that titty"!

(Honestly, I had to look up how to spell the word "Titty". I was on the network at The Company's Office and realized (before I flippantly threw the word into Google) that oh I better use an online dictionary. I can see the conversation between the head of HR and myself: HR: So we have notice you have been searching for a certain word. Me: What are you talking about? HR: I think you know! (It hit's me) Me: OH MY GOSH! I swear is for an entry in my blog! I SWEAR! HR: Oh Ok! Well you'll have plenty of time to Blog while you are looking for a new job!)

She then reaches over and torques my areolar region giving me one of the most excruciating pains I have ever had (not saying I didn't deserve it). That's right my friends (and everyone in the free world) a Texas Titty Twister (The Triple "T" or The Three "T"). She has found her equalizer! I am notorious for my picking and badgering. She is much less likely do to so. I guess I have to be careful how far I push her. I would look ridiculous walking around with one nipple. Can't you just see the looks on the kid's face if I were running around the park without a shirt on? "Mommy, why does that man only have one boobie?"

(another random note when you run a spell check on this blog, it tries to suggest you replace titty or nearly any variation with tithe)

The Network

2006-01-14T07:44:00.000-06:00

It seems there is a television network for everything. There are your local channels that have been around since the late 1800's. When I was a kid I remembered them as 4,5,8, and 11. They were the ONLY channels that you had when you went to your grandma's house. She had the TV with the nobs that changed the channel and you had to sit three feet away from otherwise you'd be up every 30 seconds changing the channel by hand. If the President was on you were SCREWED! You were then relegated to playing with the toys your dad had growing up or watching the obligatory Spanish channel.

Along with those channels we now have the other 5,248,346 other channels. The Do it yourself (yeah right who has a wood lathe in the garage) channel. The who's who in Hollywood (a.k.a. who is sleeping with who and who is the biggest skank/man-whore) channel. The church (a.k.a. lay your hand on the T.V., send me a thousand dollars, and I'll send you a blessing handkerchief) channel. The catholic channel (wouldn't want to mix the catholics and charismatics). The Victim's Network (a.k.a. Lifetime). The Music channel (which hasn't played music in a decade). The Sports channel. The Sports channel 2. The Sports channel 3. The Sports channel 4. Los Deportes. The Ocho. This list doesn't even get into the "Premium" channels that would make a sailor blush after 10 P.M.

There is one channel that is taking the nation (maybe just the Travel Size household (future)) by storm. The subject matter of this channel is something no person can do without. You got it! Food! The Network, as I will call it, has everything you could ever want when it comes to cuisine. They have a show with a skinny lady who makes all fattening food (and no doubt purges after every taping). They have a show with a rather jolly (large) lady who makes southern fare. There is an annoying cajun want-to-be. They even have two gentlemen, who let's just say lead an "Alternative" lifestyle, that show the entire world how to host little gatherings in the easiest manner possible.

The Network is not just about cooking. No! No! No! It is also about food history, food science (which can be pretty interesting) and food competition. That's right! They have competitions where one chef squares off with another creating a delectable delight to be judged by individuals based on presentation, taste, and overall creativity. There are also competitions where chefs assemble unbelievable sculptures out of nothing more than sugar, chocolate, or gelatin. They concoct these ideas based on a theme and use different forms of sucrose to form breathtaking edifices. I am completely serious! Some of these structures can reach 9 feet tall. One would think forming these superb shapes would be a challenge in itself. Not The Network!

The other night The Travel Size Better Half (future), The Travel Size Mom (That's where she got those genes), and I were watching one of the competitions. There were four chefs who had to create a concoction based on a fairytale. Each sculpture had to be completed in 6 hours, at least 5 feet tall (almost taller than the Travel Size One) and COMPLETELY made of (you guessed it) sugar. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! The crux of the competition was to be able to carry these statues over an obstacle course. Honestly, have we really come to this point? Where personal achievement is secondary to the possibility of seeing someone crash and burn in a most public manner? On another note, how did The Sports channel miss this opportunity? They have professional poker on sometimes for entire days and there is not nearly as much athletic ability to play cards as there is to build a sugary statue and carry it up a flight of stairs, over broken glass, with no shoes on, blindfolded, with one hand tied behind your back, while someone is tickling your ear with a goose feather. I have to admit I was amazed by the fact that someone actually sat down and thought this idea up. The more shocking thing is that I couldn't turn my head. All three of us were glued to the television. It was like watching traffic and knowing that a car wreck was about to happen. At one point the Travel Size Mom looks at us and says this is ridiculous. I couldn't agree more. Yet, we continued to watch!

There is one character on The Network that without fail will be a mainstay in our household. She is this cute young lady whom I shall call the Duchess of The Network. The Travel Size One adores her! The Duchess makes 30 minute meals. She also travels all over the world (ok, the lower 48 and parts of Canada) eating in places for $40 a day (Not really sure why this is impressive, but hey you gotta have a hobby). There is rarely a day when I don't find the Travel Size One partially comatose (not sure if this is possible) in front of the tube learning how to make a 30 minute meal (or Traditional Jewish Cuisine. Don't ask). It has brought me good fortune. For Christmas I was able to get The Travel Size Better Half (future) a couple of cook books (by the Duchess) and it was not even construed as a hint (which it was not). I began to realize her affection for The Duchess and realize that it could be a pretty sweet deal for me! Get her something she likes and me some delightful new food that I am enjoying more and more.

I am finding as I get closer to my union with the Travel Size Bride-to-be that I am watching more and more of The Network and less of the Sports Network. It works out pretty well, but it has also shown me that for the days when the games are on, I may have to have a 13 inch with rabbit ears so as not to quench my Travel Size Chef's thirst for food knowledge.

The On-Time Machine

2006-01-08T07:31:00.000-06:00

There was a shipping company several years that promised themselves as the "On-Time Machine". I can not remember for the life of me if it was FedEx, UPS or the Post Service and after several Googles (Has that really become a word in our vernacular?) I am unable to recall the frame of reference. So I decided just to write about it instead of spending more and more time searching a seemingly copious amount of websites.

I was in Chicago last week on business. I was staying at the historical Drake Hotel in downtown. No I was not there for Job 3:14. It was for a boring training seminar filled with boring internal auditors and IT nerds (of which I am. Sometimes I think I am about 30 seconds from a pocket protector). The week started and ended about the same way. My flight on The Airline was delay a short time... 1 hour... and so that didn't get me into O'Hare until very late. They are renovating and the place looks like a sanctuary for the homeless.

A complete side bar. Why in the world do people stop in the middle of an airport walk way and look around? Could you imagine what the street traffic would be like if we all acted the same way. You would think that there was some hypnotic beam that comes on and people are drawn to stop dead in their tracks in the middle of a wide open walk way and look at it. Hopefully the beam will never command people to wet themselves. That could get messy. My main request would be for people to just pull over to the side before they act like a Pavlovian dog after the bell has rang. I digress. Back to the subject at hand.

So I get to the Drake and having received an email earlier that day informing me that training was in the same hotel went dog tired to bed with the assumption I could sleep late the next morning (by late I mean 6:30). I wake up after one of the most invasive acts ever known to man, the wake up call, informs me that it is indeed time to move my butt out of bed. I perform the usual routine shower, shave and dress in typical man time (2 minutes 30 seconds) and go to check email. There is this phenomenon in my industry (consulting) that doesn't count training as "Real Work". So I read through the emails and see if there is any "Real Work" to be done before I go to my training class which I guess is now considered "Play Time". I finish with the email about 7:30 and casually stroll down to the level where they have a breakfast buffet set up and partake of a Parfait and some luke warm cranberry juice. I look at my watch and realize that it is about 5 minutes until class starts and decide I need to figure out the location of the training room. I nonchalantly saunter to the desk to inquire as to the location of my conference room. The lady behind the desk blankly stares at me as though I have just asked her the meaning of life. You see my conference room (CR 22004) was actually in The Company's Chicago office approximately 20 blocks away. So I break the land speed record up stairs to my room grab my coat (that I only break out during the winter when I travel north), and then out of the hotel as fast as possible to grab a cab. During my trip to the office, one of my managers calls me and asks where I am. I do my best to feign ignorance (of the fact that I am late), and tell him I will be there in 5 minutes.

Fast forward to Friday...

I am usually pretty casual about getting to the airport. I am there so much every article of clothing actually knows its place in my suitcase. I have the travel time from my front door to The Airport in my home town to the nanosecond. When I am in another city I like to play by the "Two Hour Rule". The "Two Hour Rule" states that if you are within a reasonable distance of the airport in whatever city you are in, you can grab a cab, get to the airport, run your belongings through the nebulous "X-ray" machine, enjoy a full body cavity search by a 6'6'', 350 pound, guy named Brutus (The Special Treatment as I call it when I see it happening to some poor smuck), and make it to the gate to board the plane in time. This is a good rule. If you can, I highly recommend you live by it. Now if you are a 2 hour drive from the airport, don't be stupid. Do the math. Plan accordingly.

Friday morning I had an 8:00 flight out of Chicago. Something in my brain didn't connect that 5:30 (which really means 5:40 for me) is not early enough time to pull myself from a groggy slumber, shower, shave (skipped that, as my Travel Size Better half (future) kindly noted to me upon seeing me), dress, place my belongings back into their rightful places and make it to a cab. Seriously if you could have witnessed this event, you would have been proud. I was a machine! I looked like I was running the sprint-relay by myself after taking Nyquil, Benadryl, and two Tylenol PM Extra strength. With all of the confusion, I am sure there is sock in my collection at home now running solo because his brother has been lost in battle and never to be seen again. A P.O.W. of the trip to Chicago (I will keep you posted on this). I made it. I was down stairs at 6:05 a.m. to find a taxi that took American Express (In the middle of my melee, I actually had the foresight to call the Concierge and inform them of my need). So I get into the taxi and ask "You take AMEX?" Which must have translated to you "You drive cab?" in his native language because he smiled and said "Yeah, maaunn" (not sure he was Jamaican, but he was not originally "From here").

So he gets me to the airport in plenty of time. It comes time for the payment and I politely ask again, "You take AMEX? Right?" which once he realized I was not telling a funny joke, he deduced that I wanted to pay with a credit card. The fare was 36.05 and I had 36 even in cash. So I said "I have this much cash or you can swipe my AMEX between your butt cheeks see if that works"(I don't normally recommend this to anyone, but desperate times you know). The stark realization that not only is he not going to get a tip, but he will be required to eat an entire 5 cents of the fare, causes him to magically discover a manual credit card device that catches an imprint of the card on a piece of carbon paper (The little guy on my AMEX card actually stopped perspiring once the threat of cabby butt crack was no longer imminent). I pay the guy $40.05 (which I am sure once I was out of the cab would be altered in some way to $4005.00) and head into the terminal. All in all it was a momentary scare, but nothing tragic.

My Travel Size Better Half (future) would never allow this to happen. You know there are those people we joke about being late to their own funeral. She is NOT one of them. She arrives early to EVERYTHING! She arrives early to parties (She is actually not this bad anymore. The Travel Size one's Father says I have had a calming effect on his Travel Size daughter. People actually began to count her in the group of people to help set up with out telling her. It was just a fact she'd be there.). She arrives early for early voting. If you tell her something starts at 7:00 p.m., she will consider 6:55 p.m. to be late. There was a time when I was concerned. Did I need to get two Palm Pilots? One that was on the normal time scale and one that was 5 minutes fast. You see what use to be something that bothered me is now something that I find endearing. It makes me laugh. In fact it was my motivation for this entire entry. I am by no means always late, but I can't hold a candle to her (She has actually relaxed a lot. We have both made changes and it has been great!). It will no doubt make for a good combination as we grow together and no doubt create opportunities for many more humorous yarns about our differences on this subject. She being the original "On Time Machine" and me... well not so much.

Sex and Chicken (er Roses)

2006-01-03T07:11:00.000-06:00

Every man does it and every woman hates it! If you are a man and you are reading this now, you do it. If you are a woman and you are reading this now, you hate it. Quoting movies. See you thought, "He is making a bold generalization". Then you read further and realized..."He is right!" One of the all-time great quotable movies is "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy".

This is one of those movies that most people (ok guys) watch once and think it is the dumbest movies ever made. They then watch it a second time and realize the comedy rating is about 9000 out of a possible 100. It is practically plotless, but there are so many quotable one liners that every man should watch it at least twice. Clever little quips like "Mm, I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone, come and see how good I look!" or "How are you? You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don't wear a bra next time. No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? La-lanolin, like-- like sheep's wool." or "Hope I'm not disturbing you, but, uh, I saw you from across the party, and, uh, I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breathtaking heinie. I mean, that thing is good. I want to be friends with it."

I realize that if you are reading this and have not seen the movie, you have already tuned out. OK SNAP BACK! There is one more little quote that is probably one of the most underrated quotes of the whole movie. Champ Kind decides to make a run at the new girl Veronica Corningstone played by Christina Applegate. He walks over to her desk and poorly pretends to reach for a pencil and essentially gropes her breaking every H.R. Policy ever written. Corningstone, already on to his shameless attempt, confronts him and ask him if he is trying to touch her breasts. His response is priceless. "What can I say. I like the way you're put together. What do you say we go out on a date. Have some chicken maybe some sex. You know see what happens." Applegate's character then proceeds to reach across the desk feigning the need for a stapler and hits Champ in the one place no man should ever be hit.

You'd think that a swift shot to the mid-section would stop every man from thinking that way. For some reason it doesn't. I am not talking about coping a cheap feel from a co-worker. I am talking about the idea that women are geared the same as men. In our pre-marital class at church it is preached constantly (in a good way). Women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves (Do I really need to explain the analogy?). A woman needs to feel connected to her husband. She needs to know that he is there for her emotionally and that he is her biggest supporter. The number 1 need a husband has is sexual fullfillment. Sexual fullfillment is approximately number 98 on the top 100 needs of a woman. It barely nudges out a lint remover on the list.

The Travel Sized Better Half (Future) and I were talking at lunch the other day about how intimacy for women and men is totally different. She and I were deep in discussion and she said she knew that it would not always be sex and roses and thats when I made the connection blurting out "but never sex and chicken". At first she was a little peeved because I seem to always take a sincere deep moment (like number 3 on the top 100 needs list) and turn it into a movie quotation opportunity. I was serious though. It really made sense. She doesn't have to always have the "Romance Movie" scene but she will always need to feel connected to me. She will need me to be sympathetic, understanding, listening (not fixing), and all of the things that men are typically not by nature. It was a good day. I took a quotation from a crass movie and actually applied it to something that is a good truth. I am just glad it didn' t take a fist to the crotch for me to figure it out.

When you are on the road...

2006-01-02T11:32:00.000-06:00

Well I thought I would join the "blogging" craze and start putting my thoughts into words for all the world (at least those with nothing better to do) to see.

I traveled over 60,000 miles last year. It got to the point that I was taking a regular flight to New York City and the flight attendants began to know me by name. When you are on the road for work it is much different than traveling for pleasure in 2 ways.

1) Price. When I am on the go for The Company price is not a priority. I book flights when ever (on demand) which means I could get the same flight to the west coast for tuppins two weeks before or spend the Gross National Product of Guam on airfare the same day due to poor planning by the client. I stay in nice hotels and am rather picky. Don't hear me wrong. I don't try and screw the client, but I am away from my family (I will get to that a bit later) and therefore should be compensated for it a little. Besides, they normally have a corporate rate wherever and there are penny-pinchers watching my every move as though I were Al Qaeda. If I tried to pull the wool over the eyes, I would probably get busted and be on the next episode of Oz as the new fresh meat on the cell block. When I am on my own time, I plan a little more. Do a little more deal shopping. I am not cheap by any means, but there is a little more concern when its my own buck.

2) Packing. When I travel for work all I want to do is carry-on. I am typically in a hurry and don't want to have to wait for the 2 midgets, 3 dwarves, and token elf to decide that my bag is now important enough to drag through the mud, over hot coals, and through a bed of razor blades (Honestly, what do those people do to give your luggage that fresh "Beat to hell" look?) in route to the conveyor belt that must be 46 miles long (I swear it takes longer to get bags after checking them than it does to make the flight). When I am on the go for work, I want a rolling suit case that I can stuff into a paper thin space but can hold enough clothes to provide an entire Filipino village with chic attire for the year, shaving gear, and any other toiletries not found in your run-of-the-mill hotel chain. If packing were an art, I would be Michelangelo (ok, maybe Jackson Pollack)! Essentially everything has to be "Travel Size". "Travel Size" tooth paste. "Travel Size" mouth wash. "Travel Size" razors. "Travel Size" nose hair clippers (don't ask).

My Bride-To-Be's (The family I mentioned earlier) sister is a very cool chick. She is 5'11'' while my Future Better Half is approximately 5'2''. It is quite the stark contrast seeing them together. Well The Sister has an ongoing joke with The Better Half (Future) that any time she is coming to see her that she needs to get her "Travel Size" butt to the designated location (It is usually said with great excitement and not in a demanding tone that can't be conveyed in type). We were talking at some point (The Better Half (Future) and I) and came to the realization that everything in my life is "Travel Size". Even my soon-to-be-Bride. Well, everything except me! I am 6'2'' and weigh about 220 (Which will be dropping soon with what we call HM Training. That's another story for another time). This blog will be a chronicle of what I call "My Travel Size Life" and will hopefully provide some humor as well as a ongoing history of my life with The Travel Size Bride (to-be). You see the more and more I get to know The Travel Size Bride, the more I realize that one thing that is not Travel Size is her heart. She loves me more than anyone has ever loved me without being related via blood line. She was talking to me the other day and said she never knew she could love someone so much. It really is the little things that make me realize just how huge her heart and it makes me wonder how God can put such a big heart in a, well lets be honest, Travel Size Body!

That's all for now. You guessed it... I have to pack for Chicago. Can't let The Airline miss me!